Laid back day

Today was pretty low key and honestly not too bad. I got to spend some time zoning out to crime shows which is always good. We went to the traveling Vietnam war wall and it was humbling to see all of those men who gave their lives for freedom. I took about 700 pictures in the hour before sunset and it was absolutely gorgeous. I have waited for a good one and tonight didn’t dissapoint at all. Ed thoughts were pretty strong but I did manage to eat half a grinder from my favorite place up here for dinner so that was a win. The best part about tonight was the fire. Its just the regulars here this week and I was finally deemed old enough to stay late with the other women. I definitely got scarred as usual but it was so fun and I learned lots more than I planned. Today was all right 🙂

A few steps back

This post will include ED thoughts and slightly touches on behaviors. May be triggering to some.

I know what’s happening right now. I know what I did. I know it wasn’t good. Despite all the rational thoughts I have gained through treatment, my only desire right now is to follow Ed wholeheartedly.

I was trying some Ben&Jerry’s Half Baked this afternoon when suddenly my thoughts flipped. It was so overwhelming that I felt I’ll immediately. As I shoved my pint back in the freezer, Ed thoughts rushed into my mind and took over. It’s hard to believe the amount of food and calories I’ve eaten. I can’t believe I haven’t really used behaviors since I started treatment. I know thats all supposed to be a good thing but I am freaking out.

Dinner was so hard. I water loaded and ate all my fruits and veggies first. My “chicken philly” pita had one puny piece of chicken and no cheese. After restricting so much at dinner I don’t feel ashamed or bad. I feel proud that I tricked my family and got away with it. I’ve been calculating ways to continue this the rest of vacation and into next week. I have extreme excercise urges I will no doubt act out on when I get home. I want to be back where I was before treatment.

This is only the first meal truly following Ed since I have been in treatment (I have fudged my meal plan and slightly restricting but not too bad) but I already want to continue. It’s easy. I feel a little better about myself. At the same time anxiety and depression are sky high but I I think it’s Ed freaking about the weight gain.

This isn’t positive or anything. I know it might hurt me following Ed. I feel like it’s definitely the strongest voice right now though…

My choice.

Something I truly haven’t given much thought to, and that blows my mind completely, occurred to me today. The day I got out of treatment I was pushed into the real world on my own. Not entirely, of course, but I no longer have people asking me to rate my depression five times a day or threatening me with an ensure if I don’t complete a meal. I will have therapy starting next week and my parents will undoubtedly be watching me like a hawk, but those things never stopped me before. Recovery is now 100% my choice. It’s a choice I have to make every single day.  The food police aren’t going to come after me if I skip lunch. If I spiral downwards there isn’t much my parents can do. I can go to therapy five times a week but unless I make a conscious effort to work hard against Ed thoughts I am not going anywhere.

Before treatment, this kind of freedom to basically eat/do what I want was just that – freeing. It was a way to let my eating disorder fester. It gave me a false sense of control.

Now, I am scared as hell. I don’t want freedom. I want someone giving me my food and forcing my recovery. Fueling this fear is the fact that I’m really not ready to recover on my own. I still don’t believe I deserve it. This freedom and power are bypassing the healthy part of myself that is there and going straight to Ed.

Recovery is my choice. I want to work through this and get to a point where that will be the only choice I want each day. Until then, I will fight and struggle. Even if I can’t win the war against Ed I want to win some battles. I want to make choices like having a cookie when I haven’t been forced to and following my meal plan. Each of these positive choices will be steps toward recovery, even if it’s a recovery I can’t commit to yet.

Vacation (Ed’s Not Allowed)

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We just arrived at my favorite place in the world, a little lane with 16 cabins, a beach on Hamlin lake, and the most lovely people around. My family stays here two weeks a summer and we have been for 14 years. I am looking forward to relaxing for a few days and not letting Ed in. My best defense against him this week is to use my favorite coping skill and take as many pictures as possible. I just got my DSLR a month ago so I’m excited to take tons of pictures up here. Here’s to an amazing long weekend of relaxation, fun, and no Ed thoughts.

My Story & Why This Blog

My name is Emily. I am currently fighting against anorexia as well as anxiety and depression. I have dealt with both anxiety and depression in some form since I can remember. Both have worsened in recent years but I am hopeful that with hard work on my part, therapy, and medication I will get better. I honestly can’t pinpoint when my eating disorder started. I have had low self esteem (including thoughts like “I’m too fat”) forever, but the behaviors really didn’t begin until about two years ago and intensified last fall. Last year was my senior year of high school and I was taking college classes. It began when I developed a fear of eating lunch at the college. I started eating less and less and eventually skipped lunch altogether most days. After fall semester, I had to eat at the career tech center instead. For about a month I did well but then it got worse and I ended up skipping lunches again. It felt like a huge spiral and suddenly I was in a world of calorie counting and weighing myself fifteen times a day and exercising whenever possible. It was extremely miserable but I couldn’t stop. In April I started seeing an “ED” therapist (I went to a different therapist from October till then and she helped with the depression and anxiety) and she helped a little initially. I don’t give her much credit because to be honest she said a ton of hurtful things and couldn’t do much for me, but it was like a band-aid that helped me get through senior year. This summer was HELL as far as the eating disorder goes. I went to Disney in Florida for HOSA Nationals five days in the end of June. It was an amazing experience ruined by my eating disorder. I honestly have no clue how I managed to avoid passing out because I didn’t eat anywhere near enough. Also, how the other two girls I roomed with or my instructor didn’t notice is beyond me. My mom tried to get me to eat more once I came home, but I spent the majority of the summer lying to her and losing weight. My mom and dad were both fed up with it at that point. I didn’t realize how much it was in control until I got my wisdom teeth out towards the end of July. I was in a lot of pain after it and that gave me a very valid excuse to restrict as much as possible. I don’t know exactly how much I lost during the first week after, but I know it was pretty bad. When I saw my therapist that week and she was shocked about the weight loss it kind of clicked in my head that I needed help. I had received a brochure for a treatment center near me from my psychologist in June and I started looking into it. My mom called and the next week I had my evaluation. They decided I would be admitted into their partial hospitalization program. I went very unwillingly at first. After two days the first week I saw that I needed to be there. I spent 16 days in PHP total and it has changed me. The girls there and the staff are amazing. I made many friendships and I gained not only weight but also a new view towards life. I am not even close to being recovered. I don’t choose recovery everyday. I am not committed to it by any means. With all that said, PHP has made me see why I need to recover. It’s given me hope. I do want this for me most days. That in itself is huge. I’m not perfect and everyday is a huge struggle, but I believe in myself and I know I will beat Ed one day.

This blog is going to be a diary of sorts. I want a place where I can write everything I’m feeling and look back on things I’ve overcome and struggles I’ve faced. It is 100% for my own healing and benefit. I also will continue to post on my Tumblr, but this blog will contain more personal posts and possibly triggering information at times.