A few steps back

This post will include ED thoughts and slightly touches on behaviors. May be triggering to some.

I know what’s happening right now. I know what I did. I know it wasn’t good. Despite all the rational thoughts I have gained through treatment, my only desire right now is to follow Ed wholeheartedly.

I was trying some Ben&Jerry’s Half Baked this afternoon when suddenly my thoughts flipped. It was so overwhelming that I felt I’ll immediately. As I shoved my pint back in the freezer, Ed thoughts rushed into my mind and took over. It’s hard to believe the amount of food and calories I’ve eaten. I can’t believe I haven’t really used behaviors since I started treatment. I know thats all supposed to be a good thing but I am freaking out.

Dinner was so hard. I water loaded and ate all my fruits and veggies first. My “chicken philly” pita had one puny piece of chicken and no cheese. After restricting so much at dinner I don’t feel ashamed or bad. I feel proud that I tricked my family and got away with it. I’ve been calculating ways to continue this the rest of vacation and into next week. I have extreme excercise urges I will no doubt act out on when I get home. I want to be back where I was before treatment.

This is only the first meal truly following Ed since I have been in treatment (I have fudged my meal plan and slightly restricting but not too bad) but I already want to continue. It’s easy. I feel a little better about myself. At the same time anxiety and depression are sky high but I I think it’s Ed freaking about the weight gain.

This isn’t positive or anything. I know it might hurt me following Ed. I feel like it’s definitely the strongest voice right now though…

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