It’s been kind of an odd past two days. My schedule has been flipped around which always bugs me. I didn’t have philosophy yesterday and that was nice but made the day seem longer somehow. After school I saw Jenny instead of today because she was subpoenaed. Then I obviously didn’t have therapy at my usually time today and I just got done with class. Usually, changes in schedule stress me out and in the past always left me clinging to Ed. I am trying my best to keep that from happening.
Jenny and I talked a lot about the homework she gave me. I had to read a poem about masks and then answer questions about my mask. We really got into some things I have always felt about myself and how damaging it can be. She’s also trying to encourage me to let more people in and see the real me. It’s really good that I am going to tell my high school girls because that is definitely opening up and being genuine. Beyond Kim and Rick, she wants more support for me. She wants me to either reach out to someone new or talk again to old support.
The best example of support/friendship that I’ve let dwindle is with my friend Dani. I probably haven’t reached out to her in a few months. She has always been support since the very beginning, but I started feeling like a burden and just stopped talking to her. It’s my own fault that we aren’t so close. I hate it but at the same time I don’t feel worthwhile so I don’t want to have her worry about me. I feel like a nuisance not a friend. Jenny really wants me to reach out to her again. I don’t know how I feel about that. I love her and would love talking to her again, but it seems hard. Jenny suggested kind of saying how I’m doing and that the reason why I haven’t talked to her is because Ed is so loud. She has recovered from an ED so I know she would get it. I don’t want to have to say those words though… Somehow it’s just a lousy excuse. It’s me who’s at fault because I could have and should have kept in contact with her anyways. I shouldn’t be so stupid.
The above is probably breaking Chaplain Roze’s “11th Commandment” – thy shall not beat thyselves up. I know it isn’t good to blame myself for all of this but I don’t feel comfortable blaming the eating disorder either.
I really enjoyed yesterday’s session but I don’t think I’m ready to follow through. I don’t know how. I just feel awkward and worthless and everything else so I don’t want to waste any more of Dani’s time. My friendship with Dani isn’t the only one I’ve let go. I have a few others and I can see that maybe anxiety/depression/Ed contributed to them falling apart. I hate that this terrible part of me had to do that. I have isolated so much. It’s sad really.
Overall I have such mixed emotions. I want to be close to others, but being close means being vulnerable and being vulnerable means sharing this part of me that brings so much shame. I don’t even know how to get close to people again because I’ve had a huge wall up for a really long time. I’m going to think about Jenny’s suggestion/challenge still. Maybe I could get the courage to text Dani this week.