Ed thoughts have consumed me today.
I had to restrict for breakfast even though that’s usually fine for me.
I accidentally on purpose followed my friend after my lecture so then I had to walk way around the school in order to get where I wanted to go.
I restricted heavily (this is looking like last fall now) for lunch.
Snacks? Ed would never let me snack.
I have been on the verge of tears because all I can think about is how disgusting I am.
Dinner tonight at church is giving me huge anxiety and I almost want to fake sick to get out of it.
Ed turned a compliment of how much better I look into how much fatter I am.
I can’t wait to get home because I know Ed will make me lie to my parents and talk about how wonderful today was.
I haven’t been able to focus on schoolwork at all today because Ed won’t let my thoughts be about anything but calories and weight and everything else.
I need to take back my thoughts but I honestly don’t know how right now. I feel trapped. I am a puppet. A lot of me is fine with this but a small part knows that this is bad. I feel like I’m spiraling again. I don’t know what to do because even as I have worked hard in PHP and still am working everyday it’s so easy for all pro-recovery thoughts to be pushed aside. This time around I actually feel out of control because I’ve learned more of what it looks like when I am in control and not Ed. I don’t want to do this again. I don’t want to be doing this in ten or fifteen or thirty years. Things need to change.