Ed is not backing down

Ed thoughts have consumed me today. 

I had to restrict for breakfast even though that’s usually fine for me.

I accidentally on purpose followed my friend after my lecture so then I had to walk way around the school in order to get where I wanted to go.

I restricted heavily (this is looking like last fall now) for lunch.

Snacks? Ed would never let me snack.

I have been on the verge of tears because all I can think about is how disgusting I am.

Dinner tonight at church is giving me huge anxiety and I almost want to fake sick to get out of it.

Ed turned a compliment of how much better I look into how much fatter I am.

I can’t wait to get home because I know Ed will make me lie to my parents and talk about how wonderful today was.

I haven’t been able to focus on schoolwork at all today because Ed won’t let my thoughts be about anything but calories and weight and everything else.

I need to take back my thoughts but I honestly don’t know how right now. I feel trapped. I am a puppet. A lot of me is fine with this but a small part knows that this is bad. I feel like I’m spiraling again. I don’t know what to do because even as I have worked hard in PHP and still am working everyday it’s so easy for all pro-recovery thoughts to be pushed aside. This time around I actually feel out of control because I’ve learned more of what it looks like when I am in control and not Ed. I don’t want to do this again. I don’t want to be doing this in ten or fifteen or thirty years. Things need to change.

2 thoughts on “Ed is not backing down

  1. Keep strong! I know that some days are hard and sometimes it’s easier to just give in, but each time you stand up to ED thoughts, it will get easier and you will win the battle. I promise!

    Like

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