This isn’t something I am good at, not at all.
Even before the eating disorder, I have never really liked myself or felt any reason to be nice to myself. It just didn’t make sense Why would I deserve good things if I wasn’t a good person?
Today, my view of myself really isn’t much better, however, I am trying my best to not do such harmful things. This goes way beyond eating right and not overexercising. I have to work hard to stop any negative thoughts because thinking this way takes me further into the black hole of mental illness that I am so desperately trying to climb out of.
It isn’t an easy task. At this moment, I honestly don’t want to do any good for myself or my body, so I’m listing some reminders of why I’m not as terrible as the voices are telling me:
- I am a youth leader. The girls love me and I am helping them by being there.
- I am good in school. I’m not perfect but I am good.
- My friends tell me I have a big heart and that I am supportive. They wouldn’t lie to me.
- Jenny says I am making progress. This is an amazing thing. I have worked too hard not to be happy with progress.
- I have gained weight but this has brought me nothing but more happiness and light in my eyes.
I think I’m going to write out this list and add more to it so I can have it to look back on. I have to fill my mind with these positive truths and get rid of the evil lies Ed and the negative voices try to get me to believe.