Ed is on a loudspeaker

The week so far has been… challenging. I don’t know why but Ed thoughts have been so overpowering. I can’t remember having thoughts this strong since before treatment. I have freaked out over gaining weight from water and restricted more. I don’t get why this is happening now. I wish it would go away.

Despite Ed being loud, I am trying to move forward as much as I can. Youth group on Sunday was hard because we had ice cream and donuts for a snack. Rick gave me the option to just stand off to the side or not have any but I did a small scoop and sat with my girls. I couldn’t have that chance of them watching what I do and follow my bad example. I handed out an article on Christian dating and also “Emily’s Dating Tips” during small group and they loved it. At the end of the night I decided I need to tell the girls about my struggle ASAP. We’re going apple picking next Sunday so this gives me two weeks to prepare. I am going to have Kim in there with me for support and also plan it out beforehand. I am so thankful to have her to talk to and I am praying for the right words to share this with the girls. I want there to be honesty between us and for them to be comfortable talking with me about things in their lives. I also hope to help prevent them from dealing with the struggles I have.

Yesterday I met with Paul for the first time in over two months. We talked a lot about getting more support. I know that home isn’t ever going to be a great support system for me. My parents just don’t understand eating disorders the way I need them to. I’m thinking maybe I could talk to Kim and Rick more about it when I’m struggling but I really haven’t decided anything concrete. I just feel stuck. Therapy today reiterated some of what Paul said and we discussed ways to try and tone down the ED thoughts. I want to try hard this next week to try to at least stop my slipping deeper into the ED. I don’t want to go to the hospital. I really don’t have that choice anyways with my parents and school but I can’t have that become reality.

I really want this heightened anxiety and depression and Ed thoughts to go away. I can’t do school and youth group and everything else if I keep slipping. I am at a point where I’m not functioning all that well anyways so I absolutely need to work hard to stop Ed. I don’t know what I’ll do if I can’t.

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