Ed is not backing down

Ed thoughts have consumed me today. 

I had to restrict for breakfast even though that’s usually fine for me.

I accidentally on purpose followed my friend after my lecture so then I had to walk way around the school in order to get where I wanted to go.

I restricted heavily (this is looking like last fall now) for lunch.

Snacks? Ed would never let me snack.

I have been on the verge of tears because all I can think about is how disgusting I am.

Dinner tonight at church is giving me huge anxiety and I almost want to fake sick to get out of it.

Ed turned a compliment of how much better I look into how much fatter I am.

I can’t wait to get home because I know Ed will make me lie to my parents and talk about how wonderful today was.

I haven’t been able to focus on schoolwork at all today because Ed won’t let my thoughts be about anything but calories and weight and everything else.

I need to take back my thoughts but I honestly don’t know how right now. I feel trapped. I am a puppet. A lot of me is fine with this but a small part knows that this is bad. I feel like I’m spiraling again. I don’t know what to do because even as I have worked hard in PHP and still am working everyday it’s so easy for all pro-recovery thoughts to be pushed aside. This time around I actually feel out of control because I’ve learned more of what it looks like when I am in control and not Ed. I don’t want to do this again. I don’t want to be doing this in ten or fifteen or thirty years. Things need to change.

First therapy session

My intuition yesterday after J’s call wasn’t off! I really like her. She’s very upbeat and is willing to do things in a way that will help me most.

We had to go through long assessment for a good majority of the session. It was pretty boring for me since I’ve done the same thing countless times in the past month. At least it’s over now. During the assessment part she could tell when Ed thoughts were creeping in and she actually called it out quite a few times. I haven’t had a therapist be that in-tune to my thinking so I think that will be helpful.

We did get to actual talking towards the end. She asked me what I need from therapy and what things work/don’t. I’ve actually never been asked that so it was a pleasant surprise. I told her H’s style was really good (she worked with H and has has a similar style so yay!) and I liked the homework I got at PHP as well as support groups/lunch. Her homework for me this week is to write a letter to Ed. I am going to reread the one I did in PHP almost a month ago and rework it then show her both. She also offered having me bring lunch to sessions so we can talk through and have a mini support lunch. I think I may do that but next week I just want a real session with her first.

Overall I think she will be able to help and I am excited to work with her. It wasn’t too bad having to repeat everything to her, mostly because I told tons of people at FV the same thing. She seems to really want the best for me even if it doesn’t end up being her who helps. Also something I really liked is that this is a private practice but it’s also ran out of an old home so it feels way nicer to me and less like a doctors office.

Therapy Round Three

My new therapist J called me earlier to confirm our appointment and give directions and this may be too soon to say but I already know I’m going to love her.

This is weird for me because

  1. I’m notoriously slow to opening up to new therapists
  2. I have had two not so great experiences with my previous therapists
  3. I haven’t even had a session with her yet!

She was very kind and talked like she already knew me. I am so thankful that H worked with her before and talked with her/faxed over my information from Forest View. It was stressful having no real therapy for nearly two weeks but I am very optimistic that it will be well worth the wait.

“You look healthy”

My mom just told me this as I was preparing to go on the treadmill. All I can think us how huge I feel. Ed hijacked that compliment and turned it into an insult.

Compliments have always been hard for me, but ones like this are a whole new level of difficult. I know my mom was not being mean or trying to say something about me gaining weight,  but I can’t let go of those negative thoughts. I hope to get there one day.

Anyone else having issues with these sort of comments?

One month

Exactly one month ago today I was admitted into FV’s partial hospitalization program and its been a week and a half since I was discharged. I can’t believe how fast this month went and how much I’ve changed.

On my first day I was scared out of my mind. I was pulled out a couple times in the morning but nobody from the ED unit told me what was going to happen so I was extremely anxious when we headed over there. The first thing they did was give me a snack and I had a really hard time. In fact, I had to bring my milk with when I met with the nurse and doctor the first time. He was intimidating and told me I needed an ensure for the milk I didn’t finish. Luckily I didn’t get one that time, but by the time I got back to group it was almost lunch. I didn’t get anywhere close to finishing and got my first run in with ensure (absolutely the worst thing I’ve ever tasted, maybe I’ll make a post about them one day). After lunch we went back to the PHP groups. The first few days I was having such high anxiety that I didn’t get much out of them. I didn’t want to recover. I didn’t want to really be there.

By my third week I was able to finish lunch. I encouraged other girls. I was getting so much out of ED group and the adult ones. I had grown so close to the other girls. PHP was saving my life and I didn’t want it to end for school. I wanted to try to recover. I could see a glimmer of hope and what life could be like without Ed.

I truly believe I wouldn’t be here without going to PHP. I certainly wouldn’t be in college. I would have ended up very sick. I am so thankful for everyone there and everything the staff did. They are amazing.

I am not 100% pro recovery. It’s been a lot harder than I anticipated. I have more reason to try now though. I don’t give into Ed as easily and I don’t follow those thoughts as fully as I did. I call that progress. I’m very hopeful to continue this progress as I start therapy this week. I have so many resources and support people and a great treatment team. I am going to beat Ed one day.

Potluck

Tonight was the annual Labor Day potluck at Vacation Lane. It’s the whole bring your own meat and a dish to pass deal where dishes including cheesy potatoes, Kitty’s famous pineapple upside down cake, taco salad, baked beans, and lots of dessert. Occasionally someone might choose to be “healthy” and have fruit or veggies.

Since the ED started, potlucks have not been my friend. In the past year alone I’ve been forced to go to no less than ten. It’s been rough during previous ones. Mostly, I’ve followed Ed and tried to get away with as little food as possible. I never know quite what to expect and that really causes my anxiety to go up insanely.

So, as you could probably guess, I wasn’t looking forward to tonight’s potluck one bit. It’s all I could think of since I woke up this morning. I tried my best to make a plan since I could guess what might be there. Overall I handled it okay. I wouldn’t give myself tons of credit with being recovery oriented but I could have been worse too. To break it down for you:

Good (pro-recovery)
– brought down carrots so I had a veggie there
– planned ahead what I would get to try and get minimums
– ate about 90% of what I put on my plate

Bad (Ed voice)
– threw away steak and then lied to my parents about it
– didn’t eat enough grain
– freaked out and water loaded some before meal

I definitely have improved as far as being able to handle potlucks. Its still a huge struggle to fight Ed but I survived. I will have even more experience next time around. I will be able to fight more and have more victories. While today wasn’t a complete win for recovery it also wasn’t a loss to Ed. I am pretty happy with myself.