Month: October 2014

On recovery

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When I started this whole recovery process, I never thought I would still be sitting where I’m at now. I had some idea about recovery being challenging, but I figured it got easier. I expected it to get easier each day. I thought I would be pretty good by now. I didn’t imagine I would still be in therapy and struggling more now than when I was out of treatment.

Recovery isn’t a path that’s always moving up. That’s not even close to what I’ve experienced lately.

I’ll be the first to tell you that recovery can plain suck. There is no sugar coating my bad days, like the past two-ish weeks. It’s a constant battle that you don’t always want to fight. It’s tons of crying and hating where you are and being uncomfortable. The Ed thoughts can feel so loud and overpowering.

Despite how hard recovery is and has been for me lately, I think it’s important to look at my good days.

Good days pre-recovery meant eating as little as possible. This would lead to me having no energy at all, being moody, and plain miserable. Sure, I was thin. Yeah, I did get noticed for that. In truth, however, I wasn’t happy. It was all euphoria that Ed produced to hide all the hurt I was actually feeling.

Even with how much Ed has been trying to convince me I’ve done well these past few weeks, a part of me knows deep down that isn’t true. I have felt terrible. I don’t have energy for school or my youth girls or photography. I can’t stop thinking of food. I have no hope for the future again. I have lost some weight, but I still hate my body. I am having way more depressive and anxiety thoughts. I am starting to believe it isn’t worth following Ed if I have to deal with all this.

Good days in recovery are what I want to live. Even having part of a day that’s good is way better than my best days pre-recovery. In recovery I am making new friends. I am helping others. I am a youth leader. I am laughing and smiling. I can eat and be okay with it. I can enjoy what the world has to offer.

I want to offer a quick comparison. Last Wednesday, I was at the church for Awana after following Ed all day. I barely talked to anyone. I’m pretty sure I didn’t smile once. I wanted to sleep. People kept asking if I was okay. I didn’t want to be there at all. Fast forward to Sunday and there was a complete flip. I followed my meal plan for breakfast then headed to church. I got more hugs than I could count that morning. I could smile. I paid attention to the sermon. After lunch, I went with the youth pastor’s family to their daughter’s soccer game and then to the church. I laughed so much at the game. I took tons of great pictures. I enjoyed myself thoroughly. I ate when we got back to the church. It was challenging, but I had Kim and her daughter there supporting me. I felt good after doing it. Overall, that day was one of the funnest in a very long time.

It’s easy to see that my good days for Ed are bad for me, and vice versa. I want to live again. I want more days like Sunday and far less like Wednesday. I am going to fight this demon.

God didn’t design me to suffer from this disorder forever. I am not going to be 40 and still sick. He has such bigger plans for me that I can’t even begin to comprehend yet. The first step towards them is recovery. I absolutely need to stick through with this. I am going to push forward. One step at a time, I will defeat anorexia.

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Late night update

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So it’s 11:36 and I can’t sleep, so I suppose it’s a good time for the update I’ve been avoiding.

This week has been hell. I haven’t had this bad of a week ED wise since about three weeks post FV when I had a little slip up. This slip up, well it isn’t so little. Without going into triggering and unnecessary details, I will try to explain how I’ve been. It’s hard to pinpoint a time when I started slipping. It came slowly at first but then I just plunged right back into Ed. He was waiting for me with open arms and I ran to him. I have exercised more than I should, not eaten enough, and used some behaviors and lies so that my family doesn’t know at all. I halfway feel guilty about that but Ed is whispering how wonderful I’m doing. The one way I do see that maybe this is wrong is with how absolutely miserable I am feeling. I have no energy, high depressive thoughts, and no personality. I sat there almost in tears on Wednesday at the church and I never ever am not smiling there.

To say that I’ve been stressed lately is a HUGE understatement. Things on my mind include having to apply to colleges and worry about if I got in even though I won’t know for 2-4 weeks at least, two of my close friends going into a psychiatric hospital in the past two weeks (I’m glad they’re safe but I still worry about them both), having some youth situations this week involving eating and if I will negatively impact the girls with my eating, tests/a lab practical/midterm in my classes, scheduling for my final semester at CC, telling the other girls eventually, and writing a philosophy paper that I didn’t start until today. It doesn’t help that my anxiety tends make every worry ten times worse. Also, since the Ed stuff has worsened I also have all of those things constantly on my mind. This has made it harder to focus at all.

The only person who knows of my struggles right now other than Jenny (she doesn’t know THAT much either…) is Kim. I haven’t even spoken to her since Sunday, but at that point she thought I needed to tell my mom if it didn’t stop this week. Their family is coming over tomorrow night for dinner so I highly doubt she’ll ask there, but I know the conversation is coming. I don’t know what to tell her. I can be honest and probably freak her out and have her tell my parents if I don’t. I’m so scared of that. I don’t want to upset her or burden her with that kind of information. Also, there’s Ed screaming to shut up and keep this to myself. No option looks good right now.

I see both Paul and Jenny Tuesday. Again, I have no clue whether to be honest or not. I always always have been in therapy prior to this. I feel no need to lie when they’re trying to help me. This is different though. If I don’t tell them I can continue like this. I can take control for a while. At the same time, I know my parents will realize eventually. That eventually is realistically only a week or two away at the rate I’m going.

I’m so confused. I want to recover, but that is so low on my priority list right now. I have so much going on and Ed is easier. It’s just like last year. I gave in to Ed then because I felt out of control and I feel that way now too. This isn’t good.

So after all those jumbled thoughts I am going to spend some time in prayer tonight. I need to get grounded again. I also need some sleep after that. I know God is with me, even as I’ve been straying away from Him this week. He will work through me still. I know it. I need His guidance now.

Amazing youth activity

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Tonight, I wanted to do something a little different for small group with my girls. Kim stayed in with us because I knew that she needed to be here for it too.

I started off by handing out marker and a piece of notebook paper. My first instructions were to write down anything negative that you have thought about yourself or anything someone has said to you. We talked a little about how we felt reading it. Then I shared some scripture that talked about how beauty is on the inside, God’s love for us, and that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Once I was done reading I asked how they felt about that list now and explained that in God’s eyes we are beautiful and just right. Since all of these things we wrote were so against what the bible teaches we crumpled those up and threw them away.

Next came the amazing part. We each got big white pieces of paper and wrote our names down and then “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” I then had us pass it one to the right and write down anything/everything we love about that person, with special instructions not to use any comments about outward appearance. We spent a good half hour passing each paper around until everyone had comments from each person. The girls LOVED doing this but reading what other people thought made me cry. I love these girls so much already. I love being a youth leader and everything they had to say about each other and me is just.. wow. That’s honestly all I can say. I feel so loved and so worthy of it too.

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Mine 🙂

I want to do more activities like this one in the future for sure and I know the girls agree.

Stopping this spiral

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It’s happening again. I am obsessing over food. I am restricting. I can’t think anymore. Food is on my mind all day.

I want to cry and scream and make it stop. I am so sick of living this way!

I am going to try. I need to try.

I need to fight back against anorexia. Ed is so loud and he needs to shut up. I am going to fight. I am going to reach out. I can’t fall again. I have to keep going, for my family, for my treatment team, for my support, for my girls, for all the people who love me, for the girls I met in treatment, for myself.

A prayer for my youth girls

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Dear Lord,

Protect them. Keep them safe in this crazy world. When they do have troubles, show them You will always be there. I know that they will feel hurt but please allow them to always see Your plan even through the hardships.

Let them always believe that they are enough. There is so much pressure to find fault in themselves. They will have to battle these thoughts often, maybe even everyday. That is not how You see them though. They were all created in Your image. They are beautiful, inside and out. In the moments of self-doubt or even self loathing may they remember how perfect they already are and how much You love them.

Keep them safe from the terrors of mental illness and eating disorders. One of my hugest fear is that any of them will have to go through the things I have. Allow me to be a support if any of them are on those paths now and show them that there is hope and freedom in You.

If and when they experience heartbreak, remind them that they are already loved by the only man who truly matters, You. You already know who their match will be. Let them overcome any pain that boys may cause. In times where love feels hopeless, let Your love shine on them.

If they ever stray away from You, help guide them back. It can be so hard to have faith, especially in times of hardship. Allow them to seek Your guidance in these times and grow close to You again.

Lastly, help me to let Your light shine as I am with them these next few years. I pray that I will continue to grow as I am a positive role model and influence on them. I know that You have given me this opportunity for a reason. Allow me to be whatever they need.

Amen.

Telling the girls

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I was planning on posting about this yesterday and then today and now even though Ed has me in a sour mood I won’t let him ruin my happiness from yesterday.

Moving on, yesterday started out pretty good but I woke up after barely any sleep and with tons of anxiety. I went to church alone but joined a few other “orphans” so I didn’t have to sit by myself. I immediately found Kim after church and flipped out had her reassure me it would be okay and finalized a time for our outing. I helped with Sunday school  then headed home until the outing.

Kim is amazing. I may say this about 27  times this post but seriously, it’s true. She’s very insightful and could tell I was still anxious. Her daughter Jamie*, Amber*, and Claire* were the only girls who showed up (out of 7 total). This actually was a huge blessing and I know God planned it that way. Jamie came up with the idea to go to Starbucks and Amber announced that it was adoption day at Petco so Kim quickly decided we had to do both. This gave me an extra hour or so until we went to the beach and I truly appreciate her for that.

We headed out to Starbucks and got our drinks, then went off to Petco. I think we  probably spent close to 45 minutes there. It was so so fun! There were tons of kittens and we stopped to pet each one of course. Having that extra time to just relax calmed my nerves a ton.

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It was the perfect day for going to the park and beach. We had a nice walk through the woods that took quite a while since Kim stopped us for pictures a ton :). The whole time was lighthearted and all of us were laughing and smiling. Once we reached the beach we spent some time soaking in the sun and scenery. Something about the waves and beachy air calmed my nerves more. After we got a few more pictures, Kim kind of nudged me to say it was time to tell them. Thankfully, a picnic table up on the walkway was free so we took camp up there.

Kim started us off in a lovely prayer and then explained that I would be sharing my story. I was a little shaky and fumbled words, but I got through nearly all of what I wrote. Ed was screaming at me the whole time. That on top of the uncomfortable feeling that being so vulnerable gives you made it tough. I wanted to discredit myself afterwards but Kim wouldn’t let me. She kept gong on about how proud she was of me and how well i did.

After I was done the girls didn’t have too much to ask so we headed back. I chatted with Kim on the walk back while the girls stayed behind and talked together. We all jumped back in the car and went to my house.

Originally they were just dropping me off but it turned into a half hour ordeal because I had to show them Mr. Milo :). It was a great way to end. We needed something a little more lighthearted after all of the negativity an eating disorder involves.

The true highlight of yesterday was when Claire commented/texted me about the afternoon. She thanked me again and again for sharing my story, told me she loved getting to know me, that I was part of their little family now, and said that all of the girls would be helping me on Friday when there’s food at the lock in. That made me cry and I still am so happy thinking about it. I know this was the right thing to do.

Overall, I am glad I did this. It needed to come out and the girls reacted so well. I still will have to share with the remaining four girls but I’m not scared fr it. I pray that God can use this struggle as a way for the girls to connect with me or open discussion in our small groups. I am not letting Satan destroy me through this disorder anymore and now I have even more support behind me to fight it.

*I am using pseudonyms for the girls to protect their identities

Recovery milestones

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By the grace of God and the blessing of some amazing people in my life, the past month and a half since PHP has had so many baby steps and a few giant leaps towards recovery. Not everyday is completely wonderful, but the bad days are getting less frequent and I am learning to fight through them. For this post, I want to list some milestones I have accomplished in recovery, some very recent and others overall throughout it.

Today marks one week without weighing myself. Our scale is jank. It has been for ehh 2 years. I know it’s jank. I know it can be up to 15 pounds off from the doctor’s. Even so, it has been Ed’s friend. I couldn’t count how many times I’ve weighed myself in this disorder. I couldn’t count how many times I cried and beat myself up over that number on the very jank scale. Since starting recovery I haven’t weighed myself more than once a day and I haven’t had as many meltdowns, but it still it was a significant tie to this disease. This past week I broke free and I have no intentions of going back. I feel better not knowing my weight than I ever did seeing that number creep down.

I am continually thanking God for my lack of health issues relating to the ED instead of using that as reason to get sicker. It’s sad to admit, but in the depth of my ED I wanted to have some health problem. I wanted a heart attack or osteoporosis or something that would prove I was doing well enough in losing weight. I see how completely distorted these thoughts were now but I definitely couldn’t then. I am now overjoyed that I haven’t suffered much physically besides a period of iffy blood work and the dizziness/concentration issues when I was restricting.

I had my first healthy run in 2+ years last night.

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Since the ED started and even before that, every time I ran it wasn’t in a healthy way. I counted calories/miles, was underweight, didn’t eat enough to sustain myself before/after the run, or pushed myself way beyond what my body was capable of. Yesterday was so different. I added this note to the treadmill over all of those things that were so important to me before. I have no clue how many calories I burned, how fast I was going, or how far I ran. I only have a rough estimate of the time but I am doing my best not to care anyways. I ate more than enough yesterday and I am not underweight like before. I simply ran. I want to run more again but I am not letting myself get sucked into the world of overexercising and calorie counting again. I want to exercise for fun and to be healthy. This is the beginning.

I am sharing my story tomorrow and doubling the number of people (outside of treatment/family) that even know about my ED. I know I’ve talked about this a ton, but it really is so important to me and my recovery. I feel blessed to have the opportunity. I hope and pray it will make some kind of impact in their lives. I also pray that having them know will help when it comes to snacks and meals at the church. This is such a huge step for me in recovery and as being a youth leader and positive role model.

I am applying to colleges for transfer soon and flourishing in my semester so far. This one isn’t as directly related to recovery on the surface, but I still feel a need to include it. Without recovery, I wouldn’t have the grades I do right now. There is no way I’d be able to focus and succeed. I also wouldn’t be thinking about transfer colleges because I would still believe I have no future. The fact that I have so many opportunities with my education and am able to make these choices is amazing. A year ago or even six months ago my parents never would have let me even consider staying on campus because I was too sick. I also probably wouldn’t be looking at Christian colleges either because my relationship with God was so broken.

I ate out for dinner without choosing a “lighter choices” meal OR researching calories before/after. Not going to lie, the second my parents said we would go to Chili’s for dinner tonight Ed perked up. He taunted me, saying that if I just get the least caloric entry and research calories beforehand I would be good. I wouldn’t get fat. I would be happy. Ed was definitely loud as I looked at the menu. It was a little bit of a battle. In the end, I won. I got a chicken sandwich and I ate until I was full. Ed screamed at me but I am so glad I disobeyed.

None of these things would be possible if I hadn’t started my recovery journey. I am still working hard everyday and each milestone I pass pushes me forward even more.

Three days

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In three days I will be sharing my story with my high school girls. It seems like forever since I initially decided to do this. I have spent hours reading through Bible verses, praying, and planning out exactly how I will share in a way that will be beneficial to the girls but myself as well. I have learned more about myself. I can see that the eating disorder is not all bad, even thought it has caused a ton of havoc in my life. Last Sunday I gave my outline to both Kim and Rick. Yesterday I told all of the girls what time to be at the church and how we are having a girls outing. This is really happening and I am so ready.

I messaged Kim today to make sure everything was okay with how I wrote it out and her response made me cry. I love her.

Screenshot_2014-10-09-13-03-12-1Receiving her approval has inspired me to post the outline here. I feel confident in what I have written. I hope and pray that the words I speak and scriptures I share will reach these girls in the most positive way possible.

I have been a Christian since I was very young, but also from a young age I never really loved myself or thought I was worthwhile

  • Bad self esteem/self acceptance
  • Led to self harm off and on for years and mentally beating myself up all the time
  • Didn’t believe the “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” concept

Decided to stop self harm/realize I have a problem and talk about it at NTS 2013

  • Quitting was hard but I have been SH free for nearly a year

Fall 2013 I began developing an eating disorder (anorexia) as I got better with SH

  • Skipping lunch occasionally led to an extreme fear of eating with others, later eating anything other than a few specific foods/amounts
  • Couldn’t focus on anything other than food, weight, exercise, etc
  • Continued to try and deny how bad the problem was as the year went on
  • Went to therapy but it didn’t help much
  • My relationship with God was strained badly
  • Summer 2014 it got so bad that I had to go to PHP treatment at Forest View
    • hardest thing I’ve ever done but it saved my life

Recovery hasn’t been easy at all but now I am learning to live again

  • I am so much closer to God now
  • He is showing me:
    • He will use my struggle
    • I am worthy of love
    • I am not broken
    • I am strong (feel stronger than in the worst part of my sickness)

Recovery is:

  • Learning to be patient with myself
  • Not having to be perfect
  • Learning to see myself as God and others do
  • Seeing how bad the ED truly is. It has made me separate from God, lie, hurt others who love me, close off emotionally, isolate, hate myself the way God designed me
  • Healing spiritually
  • Wanting to fight the thoughts that have hurt me for so long
  • Fully trusting in God
  • Believing I have a purpose and future
  • Beginning to really love myself

In the beginning of my recovery I had times where I asked “Why God?” I didn’t understand why I had to change at first. I didn’t get why God would let me suffer like this. I didn’t think any good could ever come from this disorder.

  • Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
  • 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 – Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
    • Paul saw his own weaknesses as areas where strength through God could come
    • Ephesians 3:13 – I ask you, therefore, not to be discouraged because of my sufferings for you, which are your glory.

Learning that the ED was a bad thing and a way Satan controlled my life was hard.

  • John 10:10 – The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life; and have it to the full.
  • Galatians 5:1 – It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

I’m still learning that it doesn’t matter what I look like on the outside, but who I am. Satan’s view of beauty is all what’s on the outside, and this is also the ED’s view of beauty. God doesn’t see beauty this way.

  • 1 Samuel 16:7 – But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
  • 1 Peter 3:3-4 – Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

The eating disorder always caused tons of anxiety – what I would eat, how to get away with skipping meals, would I be forced to eat in front of others, did I gain weight last night. I spent so much of my life the past year or two with thoughts like these. In recovery, I have worked hard to reduce my worrying. God doesn’t want me to be stuck in this worry, especially not about things like this.

  • Matthew 6:25-27 – “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
    • 34 – Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

As I leaned more on God in recovery I felt better. He was there for me through it all. I didn’t have to be perfect. God will help me even in my imperfection.

  • Psalm 34:17-18 – The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
  • Ephesians 2:10 – For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
  • 1 Corinthians talks about our bodies being temples and this has helped thinking of it that way versus the ED thoughts.

I am not perfect but I am getting better. I am not recovered but in recovery still and this is OKAY. God is showing me new things each day and He is making me stronger and more full of life. Even though I have gained weight it doesn’t make me weak or a bad person. I am healthier now. I am happier. I am able to do all these wonderful things I couldn’t be doing if I was really sick.

I don’t believe I would be where I am today if I had never gotten sick. This disorder has had all kinds of negative consequences but it also is a part of my story and who I have become. I won’t let it define me but I am letting it make me stronger, closer to God, and a better person overall.

So in approximately 72 hours I will be reading this to the girls. I’m not really nervous anymore. I am still continually praying and practicing until then, but I know that God will take care of my fears and it will go fine.

HAPPY

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I am happy, oh so happy.

I seriously have not felt this good in a really long time.

I think a lot of my happiness comes from spending 40ish hours at the church this week between youth group, Awana, preparing for the rummage sale, and actually working the rummage sale. I love my people there and it always turns a bad day good. It is wonderful to love and be loved.

I have also spent hours and hours in prayer and reading God’s word in preparation for my talk with the HS girls. I thought it would be hard to do this but it felt so freeing! It’s real about my struggle but it also has a positive spin on all the things God has blessed me with from this disorder. Anorexia sucks, it really does. I am already seeing the many ways that my life is for the better after having this illness, however. I know I wouldn’t be a youth leader now. I wouldn’t be as close to God as I am again. I don’t know what my life would be like without having suffered. I wholeheartedly believe that He is using me and my story for His glory. It was not easy to go through at all but I am glad I did. It’s weird and wonderful all at the same time. Overall I am super excited to tell my story next week. I feel so good about it and I know these girls will be receptive as well.

Another reason for happiness today is I reconnected with miss Dani! She commented on my instagram post about telling the girls, so I decided to reach out to her via text. I am so glad I did. We talked for a long time and shared wisdom of God’s love and plan for both of our lives. It was just like old times again. I want to continue talking with her. I have no doubt that we can become closer again.

I was slightly disappointed today because youth group was cancelled (although I was exhausted and mentally wiped from the abuse seminar) but then Rick texted and said our HS lock in will be this Friday. I am super excited for this because I think it’ll be a great time to grow closer and get to know the girls before I have the serious talk with them. It will be a night of fun of course too!

I am not letting anything get in the way of my happiness this week. I have class all day tomorrow which will be tiring but manageable. Tuesday is therapy with Jenny and I am feeling much more positive about it than last week. I also will show her my outline for the talk with my girls and go over that. My chem lecture after it will be boring but not too bad. Wednesday is another long day, but it will be great because A) Christian fellowship club (Rick is coming this week!) and B) Wednesday night Awana at the church. Thursday is nothing other than resting probably and Friday is the lock in. Then Saturday I’ll sleep and Sunday is church and the girl’s outing/telling them. Also hoping to meet with Rick/Kim before then to chat about it. Overall it’s a busy week but in a good way. Busy helps me stay away from Ed and being with church kids/people is never a bad thing.

I am feeling good about this week, good about recovery, and good about myself. Overflowing with positivity is a new thing but oh so welcomed.