Month: November 2014

Disappointment

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I’ve been dreading this conversation for a long time, but I finally talked to my parents about my career path and also a little on college choices.

A little background first. I am that student that gets A’s like it’s my job and always pushes herself more and more. For a long time I’ve wanted to go into medicine, mostly because it was just expected. Why would I ever do anything different since I’m so smart. For a long time I’ve been thinking, and I’m really starting to consider if medicine is even right for me. I honestly can’t picture myself being in such a sterile career. Also, it is a huge commitment timewise and I value being a mother someday so it would be difficult to do both.

I want more of a personal relationship with people in my career. I want to change lives in more ways than keeping someone from dying or curing cancer. I believe God has more in store for me than that. I’m not 100% sure what that other career would be. I’ve considered social work or psychology (and switched my major to it last year) and I honestly love it. I could see myself helping others who are going through some things I’ve experienced. I have this yearning to help girls with eating disorders especially. I’ve thought about working at an inpatient place for it even. This type of work is so what my heart wants. I’ve even begun to consider possibly becoming a dietician and while I’m not so sure how I like it, it does seem okay too.

The dilemma that I’m currently experiencing is my parents and others who want the prestigious type of work for me. My parents get mad any time I mention GBC because its “just” a bible college. They don’t want me anywhere that doesn’t meet their standards. Unfortunately this also extends to careers. My dad actually told me it would be a waste for me to become a dietician or something like a psychologist.

My worst fear is that I will make a choice as far as careers or schools go that will dissapoint my parents. Its not really that I want to impress them but that I so badly want them to be proud of me. I know that while they say its my life and my choice they won’t treat me the same if I went to GBC and became a social worker as if I went to Calvin and became a doctor. It really sucks because I don’t want to let them down or be stuck in a career I wouldn’t have chosen for myself.

I’m so confused right now with where I want to go and what career. I am spending time in prayer over it because I need the guidance. I know God has it planned out but I can’t see what that plan is yet. I want to be able to be used in a field that works best for me and go to the college that will grow me spiritually and in knowledge.

If I had to say right now and my parents and anyone else’s opinions were out of the picture, I 1000% would choose GBC. I’m definitely leaning more towards human services for a major but I also could go pre dietician or maybe something else. I have a whole lot more certainty with my school vs career.

I know that my parents would never understand their “genius” daughter going to a school that *gasp* isn’t super strong in academics. They wouldn’t get how I could serve God in any way that doesn’t look awesome on paper and involve a MD or PA after my name. I think I have to get to a point where I can realize these views will never change and that my opinion and my gifts are not dependent on other’s opinions before I can really choose my career and college. This isn’t going to be an easy next few months while all the decision making takes place.

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Thankful from A-Z

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I am extremely blessed. All the bad in my life can never negate everything God has given me. Since it’s Thanksgiving tomorrow, of course I had to make a post of just some of the blessings I have. It was fun to write the list and pretty hard not to use more than one thing for them all! I hope you enjoy reading!

Animals. I love all kinds of animals, but especially love my pets. Milo is the cutest and fuzziest little chinchilla ever. My cats Olive and Molly always lay on me and keep me company.

Blankets and books. I couldn’t choose just one! Blankets because I am always, always cold and I love to read when I get the chance.

Church family. This church has become my home and the people there truly feel like family. I am thankful for all the love I get from them and how much spending time there lifts my spirits.

D5200. My Nikon D5200 is amazing and the best gift I have ever bought for myself. Photography is my favorite pastime and having a DSLR has helped my interest in it and skill grow.

Early college. These past few years have been very trying and stressful, but through it all I am blessed to be involved in the program. I’m getting my ASA degree a whole year early and for free, plus I was able to separate from high school my last two years.

Forest View. I know I say this again and again, but I am extremely grateful for everything my time there has done, and also for the option of going back if I need to.

Grace. This one has two different Grace’s actually. First is God’s Grace. I am amazed at all He gives me even when I’ve messed up so many times. It keeps me going on my worst days and is the only reason I’m still here. The second grace is Grace Bible College because, if all works out, I plan on attending there next Fall!

Health. The fact that I am sitting here with really minimal health effects from this disorder is a miracle. I have betrayed my body again and again, but I’m still alive and I will get to a point where I love my body again. Regardless, God has kept me healthy and it’s a constant reminder of His love for me.

Intelligence. This is the one thing I can always appreciate about myself. I am so thankful I have this gift and I know God will use it to help me bless others.

Junior. It seems like I’ve been in college forever already and I am so excited to be a junior next fall at a new school. The next two years are going to be a huge adventure and learning experience.

Kim! She is the best support and a beautiful, strong, and inspiring woman of God! So beyond thankful to have her in my life and also for the amazing support she’s been.

Lily!! My amasian big sis who makes me laugh like no other, has a huge amount of fight in her, and astonishes me with her strength and resilience. I can’t wait to watch you beat Ed and take back your life like I know you will!

Mars, Veronica. I had to put this in there because Veronica Mars is and always will be my favorite TV show and movie ever.

Nuss procedure. I had surgery when I was 14 to have two Nuss bars put into my chest for pectus excavatum. Three years later the bars came out. My doctor estimates this surgery added 5-10 years to my life and it has done wonders for my breathing as well. I’m lucky to have had such a great doctor and hospital taking care of me.

Olivia aka Livvy Lou!!! No doubt you are the most influential person in my life this past year or so. I love that I finally found a best friend in you and that you put up with my weirdness. Days without talking to you are basically terrible because you make my day everyday, whether it’s by obsessing over Grey’s or helping me fight off bad thoughts. I’m thankful for our friendship and that you’ll always be here.

Parents. I have put them through tons the past few years and the fact that they still love me and do their best to help is a miracle. I can’t believe all they do for me. They also are a reason for me to recover because they deserve a healthy daughter.

Quotes. I love looking up motivational quotes (and posting them on my wall!). They give me a push through the hard days and are a great reminder for why I’m fighting.

Recovery. I know I’m not as far as I’d like to be and that I’ve had tons of setbacks, but recovery is saving my life. I know I will defeat this illness one day and just knowing that keeps me going.

Shonda Rhimes. I love Shonda so much, mostly because she created Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice, my two favorite shows ever! My life and free time are so much richer with awesome medical dramas to watch.

Treatment team. I am blessed with some incredibly patient, supportive, helpful, firm, and overall great for me health professionals. They have been instrumental in all of the successes I’ve had in recovery.

United States. Our country isn’t perfect by any means, but we are blessed to have so many freedoms here.

Vacation Lane. I’ve spent two weeks each summer for the last 14 years at this place. It’s my second home and the families that stay there the same weeks we do are my extended family. The cottages, lake, sunsets, community, and just everything about that place make me so happy. We are so blessed to have found it all those years ago.

Worship music. I listen to Christian music almost exclusively, for hours and hours each day. I love praising God through song and it helps me get through hard times.

eXtra credit. I had to be pretty creative with this one, but it always makes me happy when professors give extra credit so I don’t have to stress so much about my grades.

Youth girls. I have zero shame in bragging them up because I couldn’t ask for a better group of girls to lead. I love being their leader and helping them grow in their faith.

Zzzs. I LOVE my sleep and I never seem to get much of it so it’s definitely a treat when I get enough.

Worn

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I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

I honestly don’t have words right now, but this song is my prayer and encompasses all I’m feeling currently.

Ramblings

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Fair warning there will probably be a ton of word vomit in this post because I have a lot to process and I don’t feel like burdening someone with it all.

Therapy. It definitely gave me some much-needed processing this week. We talked about the downward spiral that Ed is and steps to stopping it. My goal for the week is to get rid of some stress and tackling some issues the end of the semester brings. I want to make a schedule and checklist because that tends to ease my nerves a bit. I also have to try to eat. This isn’t easy. I feel gross just thinking of the minimums I’m supposed to have. Jenny and I also discussed how I’m ever going to choose college. I want to cry because this disorder is ruining my future college experience. I don’t know how I’m going to make it next year, even if I end up going to Grace where I have support. Realistically I can’t do all of the things I should be. I am terrified what will happen when I’m on my own. Ultimately there’s so much to think about with my future. I also showed her the article I found earlier last week about physiological damage that anorexia causes. That article scared me so much. The more I read about it and look at statistics, I start to give up the notion that I can’t get sick like that. I have this belief that I won’t ever have to deal with those effects, when I’m actually already facing some. There is less and less doubt in my mind that my body will stay healthy if I keep doing this. As I said before, just tons and tons of information to process and go over.

Eating. I want to sugar coat it and say how well I’m doing, but that would be a huge lie. I have gone back to pure restriction, past even where I was most of last year/this summer. I maybe get one meal in. Even if I do get one, it usually is lacking majorly. I know I am starving my body. I know this is slow suicide. I know these things but I can’t stop. I don’t even have to think about lying and throwing away food anymore, I just do. I have guilt from throwing food out and also from eating thee little bit I manage. I don’t think I’ll be able to hide it much longer and that scares me. I’m not sure what to do.

Ed thoughts. Some moments it feels like they’re on a loudspeaker and other times not, mostly because it’s all I hear anymore. I just make decisions solely on Ed and I feel like the real me doesn’t have a voice. I think she’s too far gone to even get back right now…

Doctor appointment. Today I visited my new doctor for the first time. I was so nervous going into it because speaking about my eating disorder and other MH issues is hard. Luckily the nurse there and my doctor were amazing and accommodating. She was respectful and completely different from what I experienced with my pediatrician last year. Right away she pointed out that I have an enlarged thyroid that could be contributing to depression. I asked her why Paul wouldn’t have noticed because she thinks it’s been going on a while. I’ll have to get lots of blood drawn tomorrow for that and labs for the anorexia since I haven’t had a full  workup in almost 5 months(!!!). I’m pretty scared for the results but I know it’s better to catch something early. Maybe it would be motivation to fight harder. Either way I am not going to freak out. It won’t help me any and it won’t change the results. I am in good hands no matter what.

Two and a half weeks. My goal right now is to get through this semester. It’s nearly over now and I absolutely can’t do anything that would jeopardize me finishing. I have to hang in there, even if I feel half-dead most of the time. I will put my health on the line if I have to, not that I’m to that point. I’ll have a month off and whatever needs to be done then can be done. At this point, I don’t think I need treatment again. I don’t really know what I need, but I guess I have time to figure it out. I know that life will get 1000x more stressful food-wise once I’m home all day. I definitely am not looking forward to it, but the thought of spending my time  off in the hospital is not too enticing either. Besides, I can’t be that sick when I’m clearly not as bad off as I was this summer. Maybe that’s Ed talking, oh well.

Pictures from this week:

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Look at all the lovely snow… yuck!
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My lovely NEDA necklace I got for my birthday 🙂
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Milo being all cute and tired
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DELICIOUS asian salad I had for lunch today
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The last three were so hard to write down
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Pretty proud of myself for this
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Basically my feelings for this week in general.

Planting positivity

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I may be a little less on here because exams are coming up. For now, in this calm before the storm of finals, I am doing everything I can to create a positive and healthy environment for myself.

I am printing out, drawing, and writing positive messages to put all over my room. I am spending so much time in God’s word. I feel more at peace now than I have in a long time.

This hasn’t magically made me better, and I really don’t expect it to in the next few days or weeks or anything like that. I’m doing it to have a little bit of positivity in each day. I want motivation on the bad days. I deserve to start to believe some of these things, even when it’s hard.

18.

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In around 25 hours, I officially turn 19. That fact alone is pretty remarkable with everything that’s happened this past year.

18 has been the hardest year of my life. I fought (and finally beat!) self harm (another post coming on that in the near future). I had major stress coming from my senior year of high school/second year of early college. I felt alone a lot of the time. My relationship with my parents and brother suffered a ton of damage. I lost some friends from isolating. My depression and anxiety sky-rocketed. I sunk into my eating disorder. At times, anorexia’s grip was so strong that I felt I wouldn’t even make it to 19. In fact, I didn’t want to make it to 19 for a good majority of the time.

Even with all of these things, 18 wasn’t all bad. I met and became friends with Livvy and Lily. I don’t know what I would ever do without them. We officially switched to the best church ever full-time. I was single the entire time which allowed me to take time for me. I am finally opening up to others again. I graduated from high school with a gold cord like I always wanted. I met some amazing people in my Christian fellowship club at college. I’ve applied to transfer colleges to begin my future. I’ve grown very close to so many people at our church. I’ve found the best support I could ask for in Kim. I switched to a great therapist and psychiatrist that work for me. I am working towards loving myself again. My time at Forest View changed me forever. I became a youth leader. My faith in God has grown tremendously. It’s incredibly hard, but I am slowly saving myself from this disorder and recovering.

18 was a year of hardship, struggle, and challenge but also growth, resiliency, and recovery. I have so many hopes for 19. I know it will be even better.

Numb

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My aunt is on heroin again. She called my mom and grandpa and keeps threatening to kill herself. She also is babbling such mean things and screaming insults at my mom. Every time the phone rings I’m terrified she’ll be dead either from suicide or the effects of all the drugs.

Two of my best friends, both who battle various mental illnesses, are in a psychiatric inpatient hospital and a residential treatment center. I know its best for them but it is so hard. I didn’t imagine it would be quite this difficult to deal with. I love them and I know they need help but I still worry so much. I also feel pretty alone since they both were good support and I just miss talking to them period.

College is getting more stressful each day. There’s a month left and I am overwhelmed. Its not even that much work but for whatever reason I can’t cope.

Despite all of the above plus Ed, I can’t feel anything right now. I should be crying or upset but I am so so numb. Its scary actually. I don’t want to smile or act like everything is okay because it clearly isn’t, but that is exactly what I have to do anyways.

For now, I am giving in to Ed. I need to feel something, anything. I am going on a run. I don’t even care about pleasing Paul or whatever. I need to do this.

Maybe after I will feel. Maybe then I can function. Maybe I will get out of bed tomorrow and put on a fake smile and go on that stupid college visit.

All I know is I need God right now. I am going to read scripture and try to get grounded again after. I feel so disconnected from it all and I know He will help me. He’s stronger than all of this even when I’m not.

Support group?

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Yesterday in therapy we talked a lot about what it looks like when I’m doing good and bad. We came to the conclusion that I do my best when I have the most support. This is very true. When I feel alone I don’t even bother trying to fight Ed.

Because my support at home is usually lacking, Jenny suggested I go to a support group. I had heard about this one before, but I didn’t realize that the place also has IOP and is well known for EDs. Th support group is held the 2nd and 4th Monday of each month at FV, which is a 45 minute drive. It’s open to people with EDs or disordered eating and also family/friends/supporters.

I have already come up with quite a few reasons (excuses?) why I shouldn’t go:

  • Karen runs it and she knows me from FV
  • It’s a lot to ask of my parents
  • It’s another thing in my busy life
  • I might be the hugest one there
  • I have gained too much weight to be sick
  • I would be a fraud because I’m not that sick
  • People from FV may be there and they’ll see how huge I am
  • My parents will say no and get mad if I ask
  • I’ll have to go in alone if I do go
  • Going back to FV will bring so many emotions

And reasons I should go:

  • It would give me dded support
  • Karen is very nice
  • It could be useful next year as well when I go to college in GR

I honestly don’t know whether I will go soon or ever. I kind of half mentioned it to my dad yesterday and he didn’t really say no or yes or have any opinion. I suppose that isn’t terrible but not great either. I didn’t really say I was interested either because I’m just not sure. I loved the support I got from other ED patients at FV and I so miss that, but I don’t know if I can go back.

  • Real recovery

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    I have been thinking a ton the past few days, especially after the conversations I’ve had with Kim.

    Basically, what I’ve come to is that I need to recover. There is no other choice. If I don’t get better the rest of my life is going to be miserable. I’ll be stuck in this disorder and not really living. I will injure my body beyond repair. I may even die.

    I don’t think I deserve that kind of future. I honestly believe that statement, at least a little.

    So what does all this mean for me? Well first off I’m definitely not going to be better tomorrow or anything. I know this is a long process. I know it could take months or years and it will be exhausting. I want to try though.

    I am blessed. I have the most amazing support I could ask for, even if I don’t have that many people. I am loved. I know it even if I don’t understand it. I have so many resources in front of me and if I could just make use of them I would be much better off. I have a Father who loves me more than I can even imagine, even with all of my faults and sins.

    What I want to start today is hard core recovery. I will mess up and fall down but I actually have a huge desire to recover. I want this for me and for everyone who loves me. I want this for my future and all of the people I will impact. I want it to be a good role model for my girls.

    I have been I’m quasi-recovery for what feels like forever. Quite frankly, being stuck here in limbo sucks. I am ready to change. I am ready to fight Ed the way I should be. I am ready to begin my journey to health and self acceptance. I am ready to try my absolute best and start loving myself again. I am going to live, just me because Ed isn’t invited anymore.