Today didn’t go like I wanted. I sit here miserable because I followed Ed so much but also unwilling to do anything different. I know what I have to do to recover but I can’t bring myself to do it. It is the most frustrating thing I’ve experienced.
At some point I’ll have to stop being in this limbo and choose recovery. I’m not too sure what needs to happen for me to get there. I’m already doing a lot to gather support and help, I just don’t put it all into action. This has irrational thinking behind it but to me its all I know.
This week, I have prayed and will continue to pray for guidance. I want to give up my power to Him. I’m not doing well and if I keep going I’ll be in the hospital by the end of the month. I know God has a plan and knows exactly what will get me out of this place. I just have to trust Him over Ed.
I am so sorry I’ve strayed and not worked hard in recovery. I am letting Ed come before you and your plan for my life. Please help me put You first. I need your hand to guide me the right way. I so badly need you now Lord. Help me come back to you and give up my control in my eating disorder.