Ever since Kim said I have a “severe eating disorder” on Saturday, I have been coming up with reasons it isn’t true. I’ve been so focused on that one word so I naturally told Jenny about it today. I flipped out internally when she agreed.

To me, a severe eating disorder means something like I* from FV. She had been IP for 4 weeks before I went there and got into PHP a few days after I started. I* was a 12 year old anorexic. Her story broke my heart because she was the sweetest girl, but the part that made her so severe was that she had an NG tube and was wheelchair bound the first few weeks of IP. Even once she got to PHP she was the only one forced to have Ensures with every meal. She was tiny. That is the definition of a severe anorexic in my mind.

Obviously, I don’t fit that mold at all. This is why I just can’t accept a severe label.

Both Jenny and Kim disagree with me on that for many reasons I’m sure, some of which Jenny brought up in therapy. She said I am one of her sickest clients and she only saw me last week (she took time off) because she knew I needed it. She talked about the physiological damage EDs have and how deadly they are. I*, was not just severe but at deaths door. I am still restricting tons and having some physical problems but I can’t be that sick. I just can’t.

My thoughts are all over the place. Maybe I have an eating disorder but I’m not bad. I’m not so sick. I absolutely am not a severe case. I could list a thousand reasons to prove my point. In the meantime, I’m going to try and pretend that severe notion was ever mentioned and keep on surviving day by day.