I have been thinking a ton the past few days, especially after the conversations I’ve had with Kim.
Basically, what I’ve come to is that I need to recover. There is no other choice. If I don’t get better the rest of my life is going to be miserable. I’ll be stuck in this disorder and not really living. I will injure my body beyond repair. I may even die.
I don’t think I deserve that kind of future. I honestly believe that statement, at least a little.
So what does all this mean for me? Well first off I’m definitely not going to be better tomorrow or anything. I know this is a long process. I know it could take months or years and it will be exhausting. I want to try though.
I am blessed. I have the most amazing support I could ask for, even if I don’t have that many people. I am loved. I know it even if I don’t understand it. I have so many resources in front of me and if I could just make use of them I would be much better off. I have a Father who loves me more than I can even imagine, even with all of my faults and sins.
What I want to start today is hard core recovery. I will mess up and fall down but I actually have a huge desire to recover. I want this for me and for everyone who loves me. I want this for my future and all of the people I will impact. I want it to be a good role model for my girls.
I have been I’m quasi-recovery for what feels like forever. Quite frankly, being stuck here in limbo sucks. I am ready to change. I am ready to fight Ed the way I should be. I am ready to begin my journey to health and self acceptance. I am ready to try my absolute best and start loving myself again. I am going to live, just me because Ed isn’t invited anymore.