Numb

My aunt is on heroin again. She called my mom and grandpa and keeps threatening to kill herself. She also is babbling such mean things and screaming insults at my mom. Every time the phone rings I’m terrified she’ll be dead either from suicide or the effects of all the drugs.

Two of my best friends, both who battle various mental illnesses, are in a psychiatric inpatient hospital and a residential treatment center. I know its best for them but it is so hard. I didn’t imagine it would be quite this difficult to deal with. I love them and I know they need help but I still worry so much. I also feel pretty alone since they both were good support and I just miss talking to them period.

College is getting more stressful each day. There’s a month left and I am overwhelmed. Its not even that much work but for whatever reason I can’t cope.

Despite all of the above plus Ed, I can’t feel anything right now. I should be crying or upset but I am so so numb. Its scary actually. I don’t want to smile or act like everything is okay because it clearly isn’t, but that is exactly what I have to do anyways.

For now, I am giving in to Ed. I need to feel something, anything. I am going on a run. I don’t even care about pleasing Paul or whatever. I need to do this.

Maybe after I will feel. Maybe then I can function. Maybe I will get out of bed tomorrow and put on a fake smile and go on that stupid college visit.

All I know is I need God right now. I am going to read scripture and try to get grounded again after. I feel so disconnected from it all and I know He will help me. He’s stronger than all of this even when I’m not.

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