Fair warning there will probably be a ton of word vomit in this post because I have a lot to process and I don’t feel like burdening someone with it all.
Therapy. It definitely gave me some much-needed processing this week. We talked about the downward spiral that Ed is and steps to stopping it. My goal for the week is to get rid of some stress and tackling some issues the end of the semester brings. I want to make a schedule and checklist because that tends to ease my nerves a bit. I also have to try to eat. This isn’t easy. I feel gross just thinking of the minimums I’m supposed to have. Jenny and I also discussed how I’m ever going to choose college. I want to cry because this disorder is ruining my future college experience. I don’t know how I’m going to make it next year, even if I end up going to Grace where I have support. Realistically I can’t do all of the things I should be. I am terrified what will happen when I’m on my own. Ultimately there’s so much to think about with my future. I also showed her the article I found earlier last week about physiological damage that anorexia causes. That article scared me so much. The more I read about it and look at statistics, I start to give up the notion that I can’t get sick like that. I have this belief that I won’t ever have to deal with those effects, when I’m actually already facing some. There is less and less doubt in my mind that my body will stay healthy if I keep doing this. As I said before, just tons and tons of information to process and go over.
Eating. I want to sugar coat it and say how well I’m doing, but that would be a huge lie. I have gone back to pure restriction, past even where I was most of last year/this summer. I maybe get one meal in. Even if I do get one, it usually is lacking majorly. I know I am starving my body. I know this is slow suicide. I know these things but I can’t stop. I don’t even have to think about lying and throwing away food anymore, I just do. I have guilt from throwing food out and also from eating thee little bit I manage. I don’t think I’ll be able to hide it much longer and that scares me. I’m not sure what to do.
Ed thoughts. Some moments it feels like they’re on a loudspeaker and other times not, mostly because it’s all I hear anymore. I just make decisions solely on Ed and I feel like the real me doesn’t have a voice. I think she’s too far gone to even get back right now…
Doctor appointment. Today I visited my new doctor for the first time. I was so nervous going into it because speaking about my eating disorder and other MH issues is hard. Luckily the nurse there and my doctor were amazing and accommodating. She was respectful and completely different from what I experienced with my pediatrician last year. Right away she pointed out that I have an enlarged thyroid that could be contributing to depression. I asked her why Paul wouldn’t have noticed because she thinks it’s been going on a while. I’ll have to get lots of blood drawn tomorrow for that and labs for the anorexia since I haven’t had a full workup in almost 5 months(!!!). I’m pretty scared for the results but I know it’s better to catch something early. Maybe it would be motivation to fight harder. Either way I am not going to freak out. It won’t help me any and it won’t change the results. I am in good hands no matter what.
Two and a half weeks. My goal right now is to get through this semester. It’s nearly over now and I absolutely can’t do anything that would jeopardize me finishing. I have to hang in there, even if I feel half-dead most of the time. I will put my health on the line if I have to, not that I’m to that point. I’ll have a month off and whatever needs to be done then can be done. At this point, I don’t think I need treatment again. I don’t really know what I need, but I guess I have time to figure it out. I know that life will get 1000x more stressful food-wise once I’m home all day. I definitely am not looking forward to it, but the thought of spending my time off in the hospital is not too enticing either. Besides, I can’t be that sick when I’m clearly not as bad off as I was this summer. Maybe that’s Ed talking, oh well.
Pictures from this week: