Today I am headed to GR, just as I was three months ago. Back then I was unsure of what the day would hold, but I knew it would be challenging and scary. Today I’m pretty nervous but also excited.
I would have been going to FV back then and now I am headed to my first college visit at GBC. Its so so weird being on the same highway at the same time but headed somewhere so different. I still miss FV so much most of the time. Sometimes I want back there. The fact that I’m not going there today is progress. I am investing in my future instead as I get closer to choosing my new college. I am not quite as sick as I was back then.
I’m thankful for everything FV did for me. I am also thankful to be starting a new chapter of my life. I still have an eating disorder but I can finally focus on other things too.
Ever since Kim said I have a “severe eating disorder” on Saturday, I have been coming up with reasons it isn’t true. I’ve been so focused on that one word so I naturally told Jenny about it today. I flipped out internally when she agreed.
To me, a severe eating disorder means something like I* from FV. She had been IP for 4 weeks before I went there and got into PHP a few days after I started. I* was a 12 year old anorexic. Her story broke my heart because she was the sweetest girl, but the part that made her so severe was that she had an NG tube and was wheelchair bound the first few weeks of IP. Even once she got to PHP she was the only one forced to have Ensures with every meal. She was tiny. That is the definition of a severe anorexic in my mind.
Obviously, I don’t fit that mold at all. This is why I just can’t accept a severe label.
Both Jenny and Kim disagree with me on that for many reasons I’m sure, some of which Jenny brought up in therapy. She said I am one of her sickest clients and she only saw me last week (she took time off) because she knew I needed it. She talked about the physiological damage EDs have and how deadly they are. I*, was not just severe but at deaths door. I am still restricting tons and having some physical problems but I can’t be that sick. I just can’t.
My thoughts are all over the place. Maybe I have an eating disorder but I’m not bad. I’m not so sick. I absolutely am not a severe case. I could list a thousand reasons to prove my point. In the meantime, I’m going to try and pretend that severe notion was ever mentioned and keep on surviving day by day.
I ate breakfast this morning. Sad to admit but it had more calories than the entirety of what I ate yesterday. I didn’t have enough but I did eat.
Today is a new day. I want to try today. Living like I have been lately is going to kill me. I still have hope that I won’t have to be like this forever.
I am going to eat something for lunch today. Something means not just some grapes and carrots but at least trying to hit all of the food groups. I know its going to be hell but I have to try.
I am also going to have dinner. It may be a salad with a bit of steak instead of a whole steak like my family but it is something. I barely eat meat at all for my protein and I’m going to today.
I don’t want to die. This words are huge. Following Ed is killing me both physically and mentally. I am sick of living with Ed. I can’t stand having to wake up everyday only to go through the same thing over and over. I want to be all God has planned and I’m not right now. I am barely able to function each day.
Whatever it takes, I am going to recover.
Today didn’t go like I wanted. I sit here miserable because I followed Ed so much but also unwilling to do anything different. I know what I have to do to recover but I can’t bring myself to do it. It is the most frustrating thing I’ve experienced.
At some point I’ll have to stop being in this limbo and choose recovery. I’m not too sure what needs to happen for me to get there. I’m already doing a lot to gather support and help, I just don’t put it all into action. This has irrational thinking behind it but to me its all I know.
This week, I have prayed and will continue to pray for guidance. I want to give up my power to Him. I’m not doing well and if I keep going I’ll be in the hospital by the end of the month. I know God has a plan and knows exactly what will get me out of this place. I just have to trust Him over Ed.
I am so sorry I’ve strayed and not worked hard in recovery. I am letting Ed come before you and your plan for my life. Please help me put You first. I need your hand to guide me the right way. I so badly need you now Lord. Help me come back to you and give up my control in my eating disorder.
Lots happened this weekend and I’ve been way too busy/preoccupied with thoughts to make a really coherent post so here goes.
Women’s conference. Amazing doesn’t really begin to explain it but it was. It was just me and Kim which was nice too. The speakers both had gone through so much in their lives (PTSD, depression, anxiety, eating disorder, abuse, etc.) and I could really relate to it. Their stories were inspiring. I’m still processing so much of it but I know that hearing it will be nothing but good for my recovery. God did huge things in their lives despite everything and He can do it for me too. After the conference I talked with Kim and a counselor from the school she works at about my ED. It was hard to tell another person but I know its a good thing she knows. Kim can have someone to go to and also if I do go to the school next year someone already knows my story. We also chatted with the speakers and they had great advice and input to how I can overcome this. Kim and I are actually going to go through a book Shelly wrote together and I’m pretty excited to see how God works through that.
Lunch out with Kim. I was so nervous going into Saturday. Despite all the good the conference was, I knew that would mean eating out for lunch. We went to Applebee’s and I just shut down. I have such a hard time picking out food from a menu so I turned that over to Kim. She ordered an oriental chicken salad with fried (total freakout here!) chicken for us to share . When the plate got to our table I couldn’t even think but she ended up putting some on my plate for me since I don’t really know how to portion out food anymore. It started out so extremely hard to even try the chicken but somehow about the third bite my anxiety went away. I enjoyed the rest of the meal. Honestly I can’t remember enjoying a new food. Most memories of food in general are so muddled and lost anyways, so having that lunch as a positive experience is huge for me.
Snack after lunch. Kim asked me if I was still hungry on the way home because she was. I told her the truth that I was but Ed says it’s a good thing. We decided to stop at the mall and get blizzards from DQ. I ate the whole thing and I didn’t die from it. I didn’t gain ten pounds. That fact blows my mind.
Church/Sunday school. I really enjoyed church. The president of the bible college I am hopefully going to was there with a quartet of students as well. It was amazing to hear all of their experiences after being at the school the day before. Every time I hear more about that school it solidifies more how much I want to go there. Its small and everyone is close and Christian. Plus Mama Joyce and Kim work there. My parents aren’t really sold yet but I know that’s where I want to end up.
Youth group. We had another great activity last night. I showed the girls “Who you are a message to all women” which is a video by the anima series. Its such an inspiring clip about what it really means to be a daughter of God. There’s also one geared toward men that Rick showed the guys. For the activity part, we wrote “I am” on a paper then different statements about ourselves, both positive and negative. Then we shared 3 good and 3 bad with the group. After this we watched the video and then wrote more “I am” statements on the back that all had to be positive and agree with the message of the video. I think it really puts into perspective how God sees us and who we really are verses what we think of ourselves. The girls really liked this activity and I want to do more along the lines of this and the last one in the future too. I love planning all of these awesome things for them.
I’ve left out all the negative events that happened this weekend. Mostly it has to do with overwhelming Ed thoughts and way more restriction than normal. Also I downloaded some not so great apps I deleted last year that track calories/weight loss… I know that I need to change if I ever expect to have a future but it’s so so hard. I can’t do it for me right now. I can barely do it for others to be honest. This week I want to try and combine some different ideas like recovering for those who love me, taking it one meal at a time, distractions for meal time, holding myself accountable, thinking of Kim and Lily who are going through similar issues, and leaning on God. I want to have a better week. I’m sick of being stuck here.