I know it’s only been a day since the divorce, but I seriously feel A M A Z I N G!
Today had so many great moments and it makes me smile just thinking about it. My decision to leave Ed behind has made a huge impact on how today went.
I woke up this morning and, although it took a few minutes of convincing myself I deserve to have food, breakfast went very smoothly. I got in enough protein (that never happens!) and I set off on my day. Class was as usual except for one major difference: I didn’t body check or think of food at all. I didn’t even realize my accomplishment until later but it felt so good to be able to really focus on what I was learning and just have a break.
Christian Fellowship brought yet another HUGE change. Last night as I was falling asleep, I felt what I know was God leading me to do something way out of my comfort zone: tell everyone at Christian Fellowship about the divorce from Ed. I freaked out, I really really did. I went to bed and thought nothing of it, until I woke up and that urge was ten times stronger than it had been the night before. At this pint I was still doubting God’s persistence, but I messaged the group leader (who knew about the ED) and asked if I should share, totally believeing he would say no. He loved the idea, and at that point I internally freaked out. He would never let me get out of that and I knew God wouldn’t stop pushing me either, so I was basically stuck. To understand how big of a deal this was to me, first it helps to know thta for a long time I could count the number of people who knew about my disorder on my hands. Today I added seven new ones and you know what, they were supportive and I didn’t die doing it!
The rest of my day was pretty decent. I ate lunch by my self (and finished it!), had my last chemistry lab, and attempted to figure out my life/future plans. The next huge recovery win came when I went to church for Awana. Tonight was the first time ever since starting to volunteer there that I have not been engrossed in Ed all night. Every other time I have gone, I either restricted all day, body checked while I was there, was completely distracted by Ed thoughts, or any combination of the three. Having Ed completely took the life out of me and I know the kids must have suffered from that. They didn’t suffer tonight though. It’s the first time that everyone got the real me. I was a little tired from school, but I also was able to smile and laugh and have an amazing time. The night went by pretty fast and I had fun. Also, I had some huge highlights. Rick came up to me and congratulated me on being one year free and I showed him the divorce. It was so nice and unexpected too because I hadn’t known Kim told him. The best part of the night was definitely when Kim came. She signed my divorce and we talked some about how grateful I am that she suggested the idea of giving Ed the boot. She also commented on me looking better and brighter. I am beyond excited to be a witness for her divorce decree too! She deserves freedom so much!
One day out and I can already tell the huge difference. I know this was the right thing to do for me and the right time. I will never be fully ready but it was beyond time. It’s amazing how everything has come together the past few months to lead up to yesterday. I am blessed for all God has done and all He has in store for my future free from Ed! I have the best people I could ask for with me as I continue on this recovery journey.