I will explain the title but first I have to talk about the amazing time that was Sunday night. It was our youth group Christmas party and we gave the girls gifts and laughed a ton and I had more fun that night than I have in a long time. I am so thankful I am able to be a youth leader for those girls.

I don’t know what this is going to be. A cry for help possibly? Venting? I just really need to get this out.

I don’t want to talk details of what’s going on. I honestly can’t explain it all anyways. What I do know is that I am absolutely terrified. I have never experienced such fear. I don’t know that it will ever go away. It sure isn’t happening soon. I am beyond worried about some other things as well. I need to fix it. I can’t feel better until it’s okay. I also can’t stop freaking out about my grade. It’s my last class and if I don’t get an A I don’t know how I’ll live with myself. I am so stupid and lazy and I did so badly this semester. With all this stuff going on I haven’t gotten enough sleep. I am driving myself crazy and lashing out at my family when they don’t deserve it. I’m just in a terrible place overall. When it rains, it pours I suppose.

I have no will to do anything right now. I cry and cry and it doesn’t make me feel better. I hate reaching out to people when I’m like this because it just burdens them. I could sit here and not move or eat or take meds or take care of myself and I don’t think I’d care. Actually I know I won’t.

All I want right now is to get away from my thoughts. I need to get out of this house or something. I don’t know what would really help but I just need distractions or something because right now I am suffocating in my own grief, fear, hatred, and negative thoughts.

When I thought things were finally getting better it turns out I’m wrong.