Honesty Time

So… honesty time. I haven’t been honest with my parents, my support (Kim and Livvy), my therapist, or myself. I’m not ready for the majority of it (coughcough Kim and Livvy and Jenny should just read it here so I don’t have to say it) but I have to start somewhere.

In being honest, there’s no way I’m going to come out and tell my parents everything I’m about to reveal here. They STILL do not know anything at all about my huge slipping back into Ed basically since I left FV. I don’t plan on telling them. It’s probably better that way. The only hint they even have that things aren’t okay now was yesterday. In saying that, however, my mom just thinks it was a mixture of stress and having little sleep.

Jenny and my support I am almost completely honest with. They are here to help me and can’t do that if I lie to them. I have a hard time telling my support when I’m struglgling because I feel like a burden and I don’t want them to worry. I still end up telling them most things though. Kim especially can see right through me and knows when somethings up (like tonight). Livvy can tell too so I really don’t have too much deception there. Jenny I’ve also told basically everything to except what I’m about to talk about.

Alright, so what’s been going on I’ve really been in denial about. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to admit it. I am finally beginning to realize it isn’t okay and that the signs have been there for quite a while. First off, my depression is worsening. I just can’t seem to stay positive and any small negative thing overwhelms me. Negative thoughts take over and make me feel terrible. I don’t have much desire to do anything and it also attributes to not wanting anyone to know. This second part is so much harder, but I am having self harm thoughts. Not just self harm, sometimes even worse. I have had a hard time walking past pills at the store and I’ve searched all the cabinets to see if my parents missed any when they took them away before. Not as much, but I have considered cutting. I think at this point there is a much stronger leaning towards pills. I’m not too sure whether I would really do it again. I think maybe if I got that bad of thoughts I might. I am pretty scared. Even though the pills are and have been hidden for nearly a year, I could easily get everything if/when I had about ten minutes home alone. This has been fine before since I didn’t have that strong of a desire to do anything but i think if I keep going down this road I will get them soon. I think the worst part about admitting this is it means I am just where I was last year. I had quit self harm and I took up my eating disorder full force. Now, I am trying my best to recover from the eating disorder but this old behavior is trying to creep in. I don’t want that to happen.

It feels so weird to have that all typed out. I want to cry thinking how I have gotten here. I want to give up sometimes because it seems impossible. I need to recover from all of this fully. I can’t keep going to different bad coping skills. I want to try and be honest with Jenny and my support. I think it will be hard but I need help if I want to get better.

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