I had a really nice post planned out for tonight. It was going to be full of joy and happiness. Sitting here as I feel right now, I can’t write those words. I am not feeling okay tonight. I’m sorry that this won’t be a great or positive post, but it will be true to how I am doing.
I woke up feeling decent. I was able to down breakfast and relax those first few hours. Just before lunch, however, Ed decided he had other plans. He ruined my Christmas Eve and stole the amazing day from me.
Today was a hard day with food after Ed came into play. I restricted pretty heavily for lunch and dinner. What hurt me even more than that was all of the thoughts racing in my mind. A few months ago, I didn’t think I would be home right now. I was certain I would have been put inpatient. That’s truly where I was headed too. I should be celebrating that fact, and that I have gotten better in a lot of ways, but I’m not. Ed has screamed at me today that because I’m not bad enough to be in a hospital I am huge and worthless. He convinced me that if we saw my aunt this break, she wouldn’t call me “skinny minnie” like last year but would instead stare at all the fat and weight I’ve gained. It’s like all of the sudden I realized all of the food I’ve consumed in recovery and all it’s done to my body. I feel numb and disgusting and appalled.
We went to a beautiful candlelight service at our church tonight. I wish I was more present for it. I tried my best to listen to the verses and songs being sang. I couldn’t bring myself to really sing along or experience any sort of joy. I really hate that Ed ruined it for me. Kim could tell something was wrong, probably from the dead look in my eyes that Ed always gives me, but I didn’t want to worry her.
I want tomorrow to be better but I’m already dreading it. Having family over and the stress that that causes plus being around tons of food really isn’t a good mix for me. I really hope and pray I can somehow have the strength to fight Ed tomorrow, even if it’s just for a little while.