I was flipping through my bible and noticed a verse I marked last summer: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10. I wrote in next to it “Ed= the thief/satan.” I didn’t fully get it back then, not a chance. Now I think I do.
Ed has had one and only one positive impact on my life: weight loss. I thought for so long, and still believe to some extent, that because I was losing weight I could ignore any bad things that came from it. I was wrong.
There are some things this eating disorder stole from me that I will never get back. I have pushed so many friends away, and those relationships are irreparable. All of these things I put my body through have serious consequences, some of which I am still too scared to admit are happening. I put my family through hell. I don’t think it will ever be the same. I have completely ruined more meals in the past few years than I can count. I can’t take that back. I’ve said nasty, horrible things to people who love me that I’m not sure can be forgiven. I don’t think I will ever be able to see my body realistically no matter how hard I try.I have turned down so many different events and fun things because of my fear that food could be involved. My trip to Disney that should ave been the highlight of my year was ruined by Ed. My relationship with God has suffered. I have become a shell of the girl I once was.
Ed/Satan has taken these things and I let him. I still do. I don’t fight like I am supposed to. I am trying, some days at least, to repair what has been broken and replace what is lost. It’s not easy. Not everything will ever be “normal” again. Despite all of the bad thoughts and the fear that I won’t ever be okay again, I still have hope that God can heal me. I will always have to carry these scars and pain around with me but I believe that it can be lightened. I have to, because being here wouldn’t be worth it otherwise. I want to follow Him fully into recovery. That’s the only way it’ll ever get better.
It’s hard looking back on all of this, but also a little empowering. I can’t do this on my own. I’ve tried and it just gets me back on this same path. What this verse is teaching me now is that I need God, more than ever. I am going to embrace Him, not my eating disorder and not anything Enemy tells me. I can’t let any more of my life or future be stolen from me.