Tough.

I had a hard day/night. We went to a friend’s house in another city and I hated it. My mom really tried her best to be accommodating and have some safe foods for me, but all of that was no match for Ed. I absolutely hate eating with people I am not used to. This is an extremely small number. Adding that to the fact that I was already worn out from fighting Ed this week made it a recipe for struggle. I had zero control over that meal. I barely had enough to convince my parents that I wasn’t trying to starve myself. I felt really bad about not trying their food but the guilt of having it would have been too much to handle. I shrank away after the meal and barely spoke the rest of the time. All I could do was think about the calories I consumed and couldn’t get rid of.

I think the main cause of excess Ed thoughts this week, other than the fact that it’s holidays and such, is that I injured my foot last week running. It’s extremely painful to even walk so running or exercise in general is out of the question. Each day gets worse as I become more anxious from lack of burned calories. I’m considering running on it tomorrow because that pan is better than having this mental battle everyday. I also have done a super crappy job of utilizing support. I feel like a burden and especially so since it’s the holidays and all. I simply don’t want to be anyone’s problem.

Tomorrow I’m going to try and at least distract myself for a little while. I have lots of space left on my motivational wall and tons of time to write/draw things out. Having no true plans is really hard for me, but I have to manage. If it gets absolutely unbearable I’ll be forced to contact support but I am absolutely not doing it otherwise. (Yes I know this is bad but oh well.)

2 thoughts on “Tough.

  1. Go read that divorce paper sweet girl. Then make some lists of reasons to fight and why ED sucks butt. I know those won’t totally solve the problem or urges, but do it anyway. At least before anything negative.

    Like

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