What I’m about to write is very personal. I have barely admitted these things to myself, much less shared them with anyone (including Jenny). It’s hard to even type it now, but I know it needs to be said just the same.
With only a few short hours left in 2014, I sit here in disbelief that I am going to make it to 2015. I’ve already mentioned a little on how I thought I would be put inpatient, and that’s not what I’m referencing now. For a very long time, I didn’t believe I would live long enough to see 2015. It gets even worse than that because I also had no interest in living that long. I never had a plan or a date necessarily, I moreso just wanted God to let the anorexia kill me or have one time taking pills be too much for my body to handle. Essentially I wanted an accidentally on purpose suicide.
Going into 2015 now is a weird feeling for me. I am grateful that God didn’t let me die. I’m consumed with negative thoughts a lot of the time but I do get times of looking past them too. I have so many things in my life that cause complete joy that make all of the hard times worth it. I am a youth leader. My photography skills are getting better. I have the best church family I could ask for. I am finally going away to college next fall. My family is still here for me even with the terrible things I’ve put them through. I am in recovery.
Life isn’t perfect, but it is good. I still have days where I wonder if this is all worth it, but then I get a text from one of my supports, read a meaningful bible verse, receive a hug or twenty at church, have someone thank me for inspiring them, truly enjoy a meal, laugh until I cry. I want to try my hardest to remember these things and many more that make this life amazing.
2015 is going to be a great year. I am going to come out of it stronger than I ever thought possible. I am going to continue to fight for full recovery. I am going to laugh and cry and smile and inspire and support and love. I am going to make this year better than the last. Most of all, I am going to be alive to see it.