If I had to describe the thoughts I’ve had lately, I’d definitely use disordered, depressive, anxious, and at times out of control along with a few sprinkles of positivity and worthiness. And unfortunately, when I say few I really do mean few. Urgh.
It’s been frustrating. I am doing most of the right things. I’m eating, probably not enough based on FV standard, but a heck of a lot more than I was before. I’m taking my meds. I’ve strengthened my faith. I use coping skills more. I have good support and actually reach out. I am trying. I honestly am trying more than I ever have but here I sit, with thoughts worse than I can remember at times.
I know recovery is work. I know it isn’t always pleasant. I know it sucks a lot of the time but I just wish it would get a bit easier right now. It’s painful to get up each morning and just know that I will struggle through the day. If I’m being honest with myself, my depression is seeming worse lately. I have a harder time thinking anything positive about myself, which is hurting me as a youth leader in some ways. I am terrified for the future and so caught up in all the ways I will screw it up. I can’t stop thinking how gross I look now vs last summer. Other Ed thoughts multiply each day as well. I have had some thoughts of self harm which hurts me to admit more than anything because I am supposed to be recovered from that.
I’m not sure where to go with all of these things. I could get my meds upped for the millionth time, but I really don’t want to. I am sick of even taking the amount I’m on currently so I don’t think it’s an option. I don’t want to disappoint anyone or hurt those around me by letting them know what’s going on. Isolating isn’t the best thing for me but I hate being a burden more than I care to be alone in this. At this point even letting Jenny know seems desperate. Basically I have no desire to help myself in any way.
The one thing I am going to try is focusing on the positives in my life. I am thankful for my youth girls, because knowing that I have them has truly changed so much for me. I have a reason to get up every morning. They need me. They don’t need somebody else, and even better, they don’t want anyone else. I have messages saved from each of them to remind me why I am still here. I love talking to them and I love how they trust me. I love that we’re finally closer. I could go on and on about how deciding to become a youth leader is the best thing I’ve ever done (and I probably will in a post soon). Other than my girls, I have had a bit of positivity mixed in with the fear of college next year. I am convinced it’s where I’m meant to be and I am happy to finally go next fall. Another thing that gets me through even the toughest days is knowing that I will be at church at least twice a week. I am genuinely my happiest there and there’s never a shortage of love and conversation and cute kids.
I suppose my goal for the week should be focus on the above things and not any bad thoughts I’m having. I want to at least try.
- Two tests coming up this week
- I’ starting to get behind in my classes due to no motivation whatsoever
- No youth group yesterday
- Boys are just yuck and mean (not to me currently, ha)
- All the bad thoughts mentioned above^
- My friend’s mom and woman from the church suddenly seems to hate me for no reason 😦
- I’ve talked to every one of my youth girls this week and given some advice which always boosts my spirits
- I had some time to play Sims which is always a good distraction
- I actually kind of enjoyed dodge ball last night, despite being the only girl and not very good at it
- Yesterday I cuddled with the sweetest babe from church and he slept on me 🙂
- Got to announce my college choice and had mostly positive responses
- Super excited for NEDA Week!!