I always said I was going to be honest on here since there is no reason not to be and it’s the best thing, so here goes.
Today I lied to Erin when she asked how things were going. I told her I was fine, that I didn’t need a dietitian, that I could manage all of this. While I am definitely in a different place than before, I’m not “fine” by any means. This whole day is proof of that.
This morning I decided to weigh myself. I know this isn’t a big deal to someone without an ED, but I was once at a point where I would weigh myself a minimum of five times a day. I broke this habit after FV, reducing it to maybe two times a day. In the past few months I had completely let go of my scale obsession. The last time I was weighed before today was in November at a Dr’s appointment.
I’m not going to give specific weights because there truly isn’t a reason for it, but I am extremely confused at what the scale said. I have gained just a few pound in over two months. I don’t get it! I should weigh 15+ pounds more than this because of how I’ve eaten and not exercised. Ed has hijacked what should be a good thing (since EDs don’t like weight gain) and convinced me that I must have gained a ton of fat and I must be huge.
I’ve spent all day feeling miserable. Ed thoughts are loud. I’ve hurt my body today and used behaviors.
I think the right thing to do tomorrow would be go into therapy and be honest with Jenny about what happened. Ed is telling me to use this as a way to restrict and hide it from her and everyone else. Knowing Jenny and my other supports, they will probably end up detecting there’s something wrong anyways. If I don’t tell her it will make this next week worse. I won’t be able to do my schoolwork and be the youth leader I want to be. It will send me into a spiral and I just can’t handle that right now.
So, regardless of what Ed says I am going to speak up. I want to reach out this week. I need and deserve to get help from others.