Woohoo it is yet again the 2nd day of the month which means today is two whole months since I filed for divorce from from Ed (and one month for Kim, woot woot!) In the words of the fabulous Jenni Schaefer, “I have never been married, but I am happily divorced.”
Signing that paper didn’t magically make everything better, that would have been way too easy. Though it wasn’t sudden perfection in recovery (which can’t happen anyways), I do consider that decree to have done amazing things in my life. I jumped off a huge cliff that Tuesday two months ago into true recovery. I am learning to fly. It hasn’t all been easy or good, but this is okay. I am learning more each day and when I do fall I get back up. I have changed so much and I am incredibly proud of that.
I am leaving Ed behind and transforming into the Emily God called me to be. The benefits of real recovery are overflowing. I am closer than ever to my Savior. I have so much energy. I am able to give my all as a youth leader. I can actually focus in class. I don’t have to constantly count calories. My body is beginning to trust me again. I have amazing opportunities with school next year. Social gatherings aren’t as scary as they used to be. My moods and emotions are vastly different and happier. Depression and anxiety have lifted some. I am starting to accept myself just as I am.
I still have bad days and use behaviors and feel miserable. I see now that although I have these times in recovery it’s still worth it. I also have hope that they will only get fewer as I continue on this journey.
One thing I’ve loved about this month in particular is how much I have studied scripture in relation to the divorce and recovery. I loved our camp theme verse (Psalm 118:13) because it completely explains how I felt prior to and after signing the decree and committing to recovery. I also found the quote by Charles Spurgeon to really confirm that I needed to get away from Ed so my relationship with God can thrive again.