I’ve put a lot of effort this week into the body image talk I was doing with the girls. I had it all planned out. I wanted to share it. Than, life happens and none of the girls or myself are going to youth group tonight.
I think it took that happening for me to realize that I am a fraud. I can put this huge thing together ad preach the importance if loving our bodies and ourselves when I couldn’t care less about mine. I don’t think I could really love myself any less.
I hate living like this. I am slipping and if I don’t stop I’ll be back where I was this summer. Its making me doubt why I’m even here. I don’t deserve all of the love and support that everyone gives me. I should be tossed aside. I shouldn’t be trusted as a leader because I’m a terrible example. I have all of these supports and resources and I am still barely afloat at this point. I have everything I need out in front of me but I am choosing to drown and follow Ed.
I’m scared. I’m scared of what’s to come and I don’t want to bother anyone anymore with my problems. I should be better. I should be healthier and happier but I’m not. I just want to be alone.