Bad thoughts.

I haven’t updated my blog this week much because I am increasingly feeling/doing worse. Fair warning this is going to be negative. Also, if you’re one of my supports you can ignore this post because quite honestly I don’t need anyone to sit here and worry.

Now that that’s out of the way, I guess I’ll go into the how/why of how I am. I think my grandpa being sick and the tests/stress of school really amped up everything. I have a history of not dealing with stress well so it doesn’t surprise me all that much, I simply wasn’t prepared to handle it AT ALL. Other than school and my grandpa, I also had to schedule a doctor appointment for Monday that I wasn’t expecting. I think all of it happening at once gave Ed a huge opportunity to take over.

Basically since the day I made the appointment I’ve eaten less and less. I suddenly realized how much weight and at I’ve gained. I see myself in a way different light and it makes me want to vomit. All I want is to be back at the weight and body shape I was at my open house last summer. It was before Florida and before I was at the point where I scared my mom and treatment team. I wouldn’t consider it a perfect weight but it’s a thousand times better than this.

I feel like I’ve fallen off a huge cliff and went from near full commitment and trying in recovery to relapse. I really don’t care at this point what happens. I just need to be thin again. And have a perfect 4.0 this semester, make it into honors fellow, etc… If you can’t tell, perfectionism is at a high now too.

I don’t know where I was going with this post or anything but I just needed to get some of these thoughts out. There’s no way I’m telling Jenny or Kim or anyone. It’s going to be my secret.

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