Woohoo it is yet again the 2nd day of the month which means today is two whole months since I filed for divorce from from Ed (and one month for Kim, woot woot!) In the words of the fabulous Jenni Schaefer, “I have never been married, but I am happily divorced.”
Signing that paper didn’t magically make everything better, that would have been way too easy. Though it wasn’t sudden perfection in recovery (which can’t happen anyways), I do consider that decree to have done amazing things in my life. I jumped off a huge cliff that Tuesday two months ago into true recovery. I am learning to fly. It hasn’t all been easy or good, but this is okay. I am learning more each day and when I do fall I get back up. I have changed so much and I am incredibly proud of that.
I am leaving Ed behind and transforming into the Emily God called me to be. The benefits of real recovery are overflowing. I am closer than ever to my Savior. I have so much energy. I am able to give my all as a youth leader. I can actually focus in class. I don’t have to constantly count calories. My body is beginning to trust me again. I have amazing opportunities with school next year. Social gatherings aren’t as scary as they used to be. My moods and emotions are vastly different and happier. Depression and anxiety have lifted some. I am starting to accept myself just as I am.
I still have bad days and use behaviors and feel miserable. I see now that although I have these times in recovery it’s still worth it. I also have hope that they will only get fewer as I continue on this journey.
One thing I’ve loved about this month in particular is how much I have studied scripture in relation to the divorce and recovery. I loved our camp theme verse (Psalm 118:13) because it completely explains how I felt prior to and after signing the decree and committing to recovery. I also found the quote by Charles Spurgeon to really confirm that I needed to get away from Ed so my relationship with God can thrive again.
Three cheers for doing this on time for once!
- Weighing myself 10+ times a day again…
- Refeeding issues (I so thought/hoped/prayed I was past this)
- 2 tests in one day and one tomorrow
- Funniest Wednesday night ever with inside jokes and everything
- Got asked to interview for Honors Scholars and I’m going even though it’s pretty darn scary
- Rick talked about how much I talk to the girls outside of church and how other leaders need to do it too
- The girls were really sweet and begged me to stay for Sunday school, which I did of course!
- Kim and I are doing a week without the scale and a scale smash sometime in the future
- Survived the Super Bowl party wooo
Now heading to bed and seriously hoping my prof cancels class or the school closes
I am blessed with so many things in my life. My family. My health despite the ED. The fact that I am still alive. My girls and the opportunity to be their leader. All of the people who love and support me. My church family. Being able to attend the #3 school in our state (#2 in academics!) next year. My Savior’s love, acceptance, forgiveness, and Grace. The invitation to be an Honors Fellow and acceptance into Honors College (even if I’m unsure about it).
The thing is, I don’t deserve any of it. Not even close.
I know God’s love for me is unconditional and never-ending, but I have never understood WHY. Why would He give me, a broken, imperfect sinner, so many blessings? How could He ever have a plan to use me in some way? If I can’t even begin to see any good in myself how does He?
I’m not going to pretend I know the answer to any of those questions because I certainly don’t. Although no amount of prayer and scripture reading will ever give me full knowledge of these “why’s,” I am trying my best to learn as much as I can about it. After all, I can see God’s work in others and how much they deserve His love. It’s the focusing on me that is harder.
Ephesians 2:10 says this: “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” I have this verse highlighted, underlined, and sticky-noted in my bible. It’s one of my favorites, even if I don’t believe it much yet. I am hopeful that one day I will. One day I’ll be able to thank God for everything in my life and actually believe I deserve His love and grace and blessings.