Fair warning: this is going to be negative. As always I’ll do my best to stay away from triggering info.

I’ve been dealing with some really crappy thoughts lately. And by lately I mean the past forever. I ignore them usually (smart, right?) and haven’t mentioned them to anyone. I feel like now is a good time to talk about them so I don’t have to in therapy.

My lovely disordered thoughts are definitely changing. Before I would have extreme guilt and self-hate thoughts after eating and also before I ate. This would cause me to restrict heavily then feel bad even eating a tiny bit. Now that I’m all fully committed to recovery I have been eating better, but not really for good reasons. Basically it’s only because I feel extreme guilt letting my mom, Livvy, etc down. In doing this I am creating way more negative thoughts than I could have. It gets to the point where I hate myself and my new body and all of the gross foods I’m eating but I just don’t care about myself enough to change a thing.

The thoughts I’m dealing with now suck. I hate myself 100% of every single day. I can’t think about much else. I don’t even have confidence in things I normally would, like my ability to be a youth leader. Mirrors, old pictures, getting dressed, really anything can be a trigger. Once I head down the negative route it just doesn’t stop.If I’m being honest, I have had suicidal ones lately too. It’s not really wanting to do anything but more feeling like I should be dead. If someone told me I was going to die tomorrow I really wouldn’t care… I know there are people who love me (I don’t get why though) but it really doesn’t make a difference. I’m sick of who I am and who I’m becoming. I would rather not burden anyone anymore.

Well that’s the end of negative thoughts for the night. No way I’m sharing it with Jenny tomorrow. I haven’t told a single health professional about any of the suicidalish thoughts since… Susan maybe? So it isn’t going to happen tomorrow, that’s for sure!

I know certain members of my support would probably yell at me if/when they read this so let’s hope they don’t.