Sick.

Today is Easter and I so wish I could be focusing on the amazing miracle of Christ rising again to save us. Instead, I have had a terrible day coming after this already hard holy weekend.

Why is that exactly? Well it all started last night when I was trying on dresses for church. Ed took over and I couldn’t stop crying about how I looked in them. I happened to notice the night before that my epsom salts had a second use as laxatives on the package. I made the decision that I needed to lose some weight and right now, so I dissolved some in water and drank up. I was certain I wanted to make myself sick so I could stay home from church and wallow.

I woke up a few times sick and then told my parents this morning so I got to skip church. I say that with so much sadness because I haven’t purposely missed church at all in a very long time. I’m so wrapped up in all of this that I just want to be alone and miserable. I can’t look at myself anymore. I can’t wait until tomorrow so I can restrict as much as possible. I know this is all a bad thing but I also am not telling anyone who asks. I deserve this on my own.

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