“But you’re not sick anymore so no reason to worry about Ensures”

That statement should make me happy. The fact that my mom thought I was well enough to not torture me with threats of Ensure as we passed them in the store is no small miracle. And yet, here I am, laden with extreme guilt.

I am not okay. The rational part of me knows this. If I was anywhere near okay I wouldn’t be throwing out meals and restricting and everything else. I wouldn’t let the scale determine my days. I am pretty far from okay. I know, deep down, my mom saying this is so bad because she has no clue at all of what’s going on.

Obviously, there’s a lot more to my mind than just the healthy, rational thoughts. These Ed thoughts interpret the statement so differently. It’s amazing that my parents suspect nothing. This means I can continually follow Ed as long as possible without them knowing. It excited me in ways I prefer not to describe and am a little ashamed of.

More than any amount of good thoughts this could bring me, the guilt is almost overwhelming. I feel like I’ve cheated on a test or gotten credit for a project I really didn’t do. I’m getting praise and recognition when the only thing I have accomplished is deception of everyone around me. That’s not something that should warrant any positive reinforcement.

Now that my suspicions of my parents being clueless are confirmed, where do I go form here? I don’t know. As much as it hurts I feel the need to continue the lies until its too obvious to hide. It’s bad for me but at the same time I don’t have self-love or motivation to do anything else.

Finding an answer isn’t required today. I want to pray on it and get some advice. I need clarity that the ED thoughts are currently not allowing.

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