Down, down, down

Warning: do not read this unless you can safely handle a ton of negativity. No ED stuff or SH, just feeling really really bad currently.

I am miserable right now. I’m still not currently ready to talk about all of it. I haven’t told a soul all that’s going on in my head right now. I haven’t even explained all that’s going on outside of myself. I can’t just sit in these thoughts without breaking down. I’ve cried a majority of the time I wasn’t at work or with others. I’m isolating. I feel like hurting myself in a lot of ways, although the only I’ve acted out is mental torture. I have never felt this kind of pain. I would rather have pectus surgery ten times over than have all these thoughts.

I know this is all going to be vague, I’m doing that on purpose. Specifics don’t matter. If I wanted to type it all out I would be crying and probably end up giving myself a panic attack. I know this because it’s happened already trying to write this post. So in no specificity whatsoever, I feel like my entire future is pointless, I am pushing away from basically everyone, I am absolutely terrified, I have no control over 99% of what could/is going to happen, I feel really hurt, my entire purpose is gone, I am so alone, I am having worse thoughts than a few months ago or ever really.

Not just one thing set this all off. It’s been building for a long time but then the floodgates of disordered thinking and all of it opened up last week and I haven’t been able to stop it more than a little bit at a time. Work is the only time I’m distracted enough to ignore everything. I’m so thankful to have worked three days this week so far and I’m scheduled two more, then five next week. The problem is, the second I get home, or even if I pause at work, it all comes rushing back. I feel so unstable and out of control. I thought it might get better over time but I was wrong. I don’t feel any better. In a lot of ways it’s worse. I can’t even begin to see ways I can stop this. I can’t see a future. I don’t know what to do and i’m rejecting all help.

If something doesn’t change it isn’t going to be good. I’m already intent on ruining everything I care about and all the people I am close to and my future. I don’t even want to go to college or talk to anyone (except Livvy because she is the only one who basically 100% gets it or at least tries the best she can). All I can do is see where this gets me because I don’t plan on trying to get it any better right now.

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