Pointing it out

I’ve been working at my job for 4 weeks now. I absolutely love it. I work at a bible and missionary conference in housekeeping with the most amazing coworkers I could ask for in the greatest Christian environment. Housekeeping is hard work and physically demanding, which means calorically demanding as well. For three out of the past four weeks, I’ve followed hunger cues and increased food intake where needed. In actuality, I didn’t even think of what I was eating, I just did. I say just three out of four because last week my dad threw a nice wrench into my mostly disorder-free eating habits.

We were driving as I mentioned something about how much of a workout my body is getting at my job. My father,very pointedly, explains that I need to eat more so I don’t “get in trouble again” and an internal freakout ensues. Deep down, I knew that this was the case. I mean it’s only logical (well okay logical to someone without ED thoughts) that more energy out = more energy in. The thing is I have an eating disorder and I’ve been trying to avoid anything to do with calories or eating and instead do what feels right. Intuitive eating is hard on its own and to have my dad say that screws up everything I’ve worked towards. (Note: I’m not blaming him at all, even if I wish he hadn’t said it. I’m just sensitive to these sort of comments and only my eating disorder is to blame for that.)

Since that drive I’ve been slipping back into disordered thought patterns and behaviors. I’ve felt a need to restrict my eating some even though I should be doing the exact opposite. I haven’t given myself a rest day, it’s either work or an hour plus of intense yoga. I’m also avoiding sweets or any sort of indulgence. And lastly, I have stepped on the scale a few times.

I am going to work on this. I have so much to work hard at recovery for. I am going to NTS in under a month and I cannot be a good leader and be faithful to my eating disorder at the same time I have to spend time with God and the girls there which leaves no room for restriction, exercise, or obsessing. After NTS is work for the rest of the summer and I definitely can’t do my best if I’m constantly malnourished. When I’m not working I want to do things I love: read, watch Netflix, relax, write my book. None of that can happen with the ED intruding. At the summer’s end I move into college. I’ve already tried to do that with the ED and being on my own at a new place is more than enough stress for my first semester at Calvin.

So, instead of allowing this to send me into a spiral, I have a few strong words for my dumb ED. I am not following you again. You’ve done nothing but harm me! I am getting help from Jenny this week (no waiting to tell her this time). I will get back to a better eating regimen so that I’ll have energy to work and do all the things I have planned this summer. You may have taken my dad’s words as fuel but I am not feeding you. I’ve been down this road many times and I am beyond sick of it!!!

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