Here we are, on our way to NTS Camp in Chicago! I’m nervous and excited and amazed that I’m even headed there. I nearly backed out of this opportunity more than once. Way back, it was Kim telling me I couldn’t go if I didn’t start eating and taking care of myself. Then I struggled with going again due to my own fear of change and attachment. And just this past week I was completely discouraged following some mean comments by another leader. Everything was against me going but here I am, headed out anyways. I truly believe God must have some awesome things planned this week for Satan to fight so hard against it. That’s my prayers and hopes, at least.
The past weeks has been nothing short of insane. I’ve been packing and dealing with a lot of things emotionally as well as working. I’ve had so many thoughts on things that it was hard to even put it down. This will be a quick update on life and then I probably won’t post again until after camp!
ED wise I am pretty powerless. I’ve eaten enough to not raise questions at meals. I’ve thrown away food. My behavior at work alerted a coworker and I know it won’t be long until she sits me down to talk about it. As far as camp goes, I have a food plan and I’m sticking to it best I can. I won’t allow myself to show any ED behaviors or restriction while I’m there. I’m not talking about it and I’m not drawing attention to my eating. This week is about me serving them, and if I’m having a hard time I will contact support. It’ll be good. At the very least I will be as healthy an example as I can be.
As far as recovery goes I really feel hopeful. This book I bought for Kim and myself is so good. I believe that I can change. I know it will be the hardest thing I ever do but I don’t think I’m a lost cause. Kim isn’t either and together we will grow stronger.
I’ve reconnected with God more each day. I feel full. I am going in the right direction and have spent lots of time in prayer and the word for camp already. I have this need that only He can fill and I know that by focusing on faith this next week it will give me less time for the ED. I want a spiritual renewal and I hope each of the girls will get that too.
Everything feels out of control right now and the only thing I want to turn to is the ED. I’m going to do my best not to though. I will get through camp and I will make an impact. It may be challenging but it’ll be worth it.