That word I’ve been avoiding for the past year (yes even while at FV I somehow convinced the doctor PHP was enough) has crept up on me yet again. This time, I was not expecting it at all. In my mind I’m not even close to needing PHP let alone forced hospitalization.

How did I come to this, exactly? I’ll admit, I haven’t been doing great as college comes closer. I have a million anxieties and I don’t do well with change in general so its been tough on me. My recovery, mood, and outlook on the future has shifted. eating’s wavered and on a scale of 1-10 (1 being basically no food and 10 as my best moments in recovery) I’m a 4 or 5. In my mind not terrible. That’s not Jenny’s concern, though. She says its depression, but either way I just feel down and like I can’t possibly recover while also going to school. I have no motivation to even try treatment, and barely enough for therapy. I don’t think its worth the effort when I could very well be like this forever. This is where her concerns lie.

I made a list of what I currently want to do next year vs what I could do recovery-wise. Its quite triggering, but I’ll just say that the left side worried her and the right side doesn’t seem possible to me. Because of all of these thoughts, behaviors, and how melancholy I am in general, Jenny brought up hospitalization.

I don’t agree with her one bit. I don’t feel it will help and the possibility that I could be forced out of school scares me. At this point school is the only thing that has any kind of pull to keep going in recovery for me. I don’t have a purpose like being a youth leader to push me forward in recovery. So if I were put inpatient and then was declared too unstable to continue school, what would I do? I don’t see any good coming from that. I also have 21 days until move in and I need every second I can get to prepare and pack. Treatment is NOT an option. Not at all.

I seem to be the only one who doesn’t think that. As Livvy put it, only people with my last name (ie my parents and I) would disagree with Jenny. Kim and Lily and Olivia all think hospitalization will help and that only makes me want to scream.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’m dreading therapy next week, but I also dread the way my life is going. I guess we’ll see what happens this next week to change or confirm my hospitalization fate.