I am alive.

I shouldn’t be alive right now. These past few years, they should have killed me one way or another. I don’t really want to focus on all of the things that easily would have ended my life, but instead on why they didn’t.

How am I still alive? I went to therapy once a week or more. I was in PHP and IP at Forest View. So many people have supported me through this all. I was monitored and nearly force-fed. My loving Father and Savior has been merciful on my life and kept me going. Regardless of how many outside forces were trying their best to keep me alive, there’s really just one that did it: me.

I am alive right now because I choose to be. I am working hard to live each day, and even learning to thrive. I fight like hell against all of the thoughts that weigh me down. I feed myself and try to somehow make love in my heart for myself. I am growing each and every day because I am resilient. Even on the bad days I am not losing because I am still here at the end of it.

I am so thankful to be alive. I was put here for a purpose. God doesn’t make mistakes, not even me. I want to treat each new day as a gift from Him. I am pushing myself to enjoy every second and learn and move more toward who He desires me to be. Not everyone wakes up. We are never promised tomorrow and recent events have let me see that. Knowing this, how could I rationalize any other way of living?

I am overcome that so much of my life has been spent not wanting to wake up the next morning. I wanted a way out. I didn’t see any worth whatsoever in myself. I couldn’t justify living another second. I didn’t think life would ever get better. I honestly didn’t want it to get better.

Here’s the thing: it does get better. I don’t care what you’re facing or how bad it is. I was there too, but I’m not now. I want to live, and I want to help others decide to live too. When I say “it gets better,” I don’t mean that it gets easy, or that it won’t get worst. In fact, it probably will be worse for a while. You will feel like you can’t even manage another breath, that you would rather choose the easy way out. You have to push beyond it because beyond the depression, suicidal thoughts, tragedies, hurt, years of pain, miserable living situations, self-doubt or even self-hatred, eating disorder, or whatever you may face is hope. Hope that says tomorrow is worth it. Hope that says your life is worth it. Hope that says you are worth it. Hope is right.

Keep living. Keep being alive. I’m here with you.

2 thoughts on “I am alive.

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