A month ago, Saturday the 26th, I was singing in the car with other girls, headed to dorm retreat. I was so pumped for the night and knew exactly how I thought/expected it would go down: growing closer as a floor, marshmallows, lots of card games, singing, “mocking”, and enjoying each other’s company. That may have been the case for everyone else there, but not me. We were about to play capture the flag with each floor of girls and guys facing the other two. Seems all good and fun, right? Wrong! Not even five minutes in, yours truly managed to run hard into some guy’s shoulder and get knocked out. So fun, not!

I remember waking up on the ground with people around me and a killer headache and “faceache.” A girl from the other team helped me back to the lodge since I was so unsteady. She sat with me, I got an ice pack and some ibuprofen and figured all would be fine in an hour or two. Wrong again!

Long story short, I ended up leaving dorm retreat that night and headed to the ER. My no big deal injury turned out to be a concussion, broken nose, and fractured orbital bone. I am so lucky to have not lost any vision. I saw an ENT a few days later and had surgery the next Monday. Overall, I was out of school for two and a half weeks.

It was really hard being away. At the same time though, I know why it had to happen. I was on the verge of needing treatment had I stayed in school much longer. Instead, my home became my inpatient. I went through the grueling process of refeeding for what seems like the thousandth time by now. It wasn’t a great time by any means. I still feel sad about all the time I missed. I’m not even caught up yet on all my work. But, despite all of that, God is still showing me how much He is in control.

After what seemed like huge strides towards recovery while I was home, I expected school to be fine. I see now that was pretty naive. It hasn’t been anywhere close to easy. Restriction is as high or higher than before my injury. I’m struggling to focus and handle everything. Eating on my own now is a wreck most days. I am isolating. I feel depressed and anxious all the time. I have more thoughts of food than anything else. I have began exercising again (not as strenuous though).

I am baffled right now. I don’t get why I am still barely surviving here. I’m hoping to figure things out and make steps towards recovery soon. I have some support here and treatment. I know the tools and i know what needs to be done, it’s the putting it in action that just isn’t happening.

Right now, I am going to trust God. Maybe my plan is not what is meant for me. Maybe he has a whole other idea that will lead to me living a fuller, happier life than I am right now. Maybe there is even more beauty waiting for me on the other side.

For now, I will do what I can to fight this illness and cling to Him. I will be open to whatever needs to be done.