Tomorrow is my appointment with L. I am terrified. I know she’s talked to S and that if there needs to be a decision made she would know. I’m not just playing here. I’m not flirting with thinness while looking perfect on the outside. I am putting my college career on the line. I could lose everything I’ve put into being here.
This is relapse. It isn’t struggling or having a hard time with stress. This is full-blown relapse. It started a few weeks after college began, took the backseat when I was home after my injury, and now kicked into full gear.
I don’t think I saw how bad this really is until yesterday. First, I tried on my jeggings that fit my snug a few weeks ago. Now, they are baggy. I don’t even understand that because I still see the same thing in the mirror as back then. I decided to do yoga in the afternoon. About halfway through, I was caught by my RA and suitemate. I felt terrible. She warned me before not to even exercise but I didn’t listen. Instead, I got another lecture on how dangerous this is for me and why I shouldn’t do it. My anger for her stopping me later freaked me out.
So I will now end this jumbled post. Part of me loves the idea of staying and knows I can do this. The other part sees that I have some major things to work on that just isn’t possible while doing school. I pray to God that whatever He has planned will be accepted as right by myself and my parents. Neither choice is easy. I have to believe that there is more to life than this disorder though.