I am not exaggerating at all with that title. In the course of a week I have gone from being pretty sure I could finish the semester to preparing for residential treatment.
There are moments I look back on and consider life-changing. Some are bad and some good. Each of them has impacted me and shaped who I am today. I have no doubt in my mind that I’ve had many of these experiences this week.
Last Sunday at church I talked to an amazing woman who also happens to be many, many years into recovery from an eating disorder. After we spoke a little about my relapse and threats to leave school, she had some very good advice for my mom and I. She told us that we needed to consider sending me to treatment. I think that was what we both needed to know that it was the right decision. I left church that day realizing for the first time what I would do.
Monday I skipped all of my classes. I was nervous and extremely worried about everything. By the time I went to my sessions with S I thought I would just fall apart. She immediately agreed that taking a leave from school was going to be the best option. We called a few different places for treatment and agreed to meet again on Wednesday. I felt peace about leaving school at that point, even if I didn’t fully want to.
Tuesday morning was the meting to officially take a leave. I cried almost the whole time. The perfectionist part of me wanted to stay so badly, but I knew I couldn’t I knew I could end up very sick or dead if I didn’t stop this now. I met with my RD later that day. It was all too much so I ended up just crying in my room for a while. I began packing and telling those close to me what was going on. Through all of the tears and hard conversations, I found support and love. I am forever grateful to the amazing girls who were and are there for me.
Wednesday was move out day and by far the hardest one. In the morning I met with S one last time. We both cried the whole time. She had words of encouragement and advice for me as I go into treatment. I hope and pray that even part of what she said will happen. This is my chance to really change my life. She believes in me and I need to too. After giving her a hug goodbye I went back to my dorm to finish packing. I’ve never cried so much in one day. I had lunch with my roommate and shortly after my parents came to pack up. Goodbyes were said, more tears shed, and I left Calvin.
The next few days were hard. I called and researched more treatment centers than I can keep track of. There were a few leads but none that seemed to really fit. Yesterday I finally called the one S suggested. By the end of the day I was given a packing list and hopeful admission date of Tues or Weds next week. God is good. This place seems just right for me. Its homey and more life-like than institutional, with more individual therapy and groups that sound beneficial. I don’t think its going to be easy or anything, but I do know it will change me. I want to change. I need to change. I will change.
This isn’t how I thought or wanted my first semester away at college to go. Its been hell. I think I needed this to happen though. I needed to be broken and hit my rock bottom to start coming back to myself. I am not there yet but I’m hopeful that the next month or two will bring that change. I want to be me. I haven’t been that in a very long time.