Home.

There is so much I can and will say about my time at CFD. I want to share all of it. The thing is, right now I’m not at CFD. I am home and trying to adjust. Life after residential is hard and confusing.

I spent the last week of treatment dreading the inevitable goodbyes that would come. Each and every one broke my heart. The staff and other residents did so much for me and leaving them behind is so sad. I know I’ll see some of them again but that doesn’t take away from how dearly I miss them now.

Monday was insane. I packed snacks and lunch before heading out in the morning to the airport. I hugged my amazing therapist goodbye and headed in. Everything went smoothly until we got on the plane. There was snow and ice in Chicago so we had to wait two hrs on the plane before finally taking off. The flight was okay but then we waited another 1.5 hrs to get into the terminal. My connecting was cancelled so my dad and I drove the four hr ride back to home. I was so exhausted and stressed by the end of it. The good news though is that I didn’t use. Behaviors or restrict at all!!

Since the flight drama I’ve been having tons of mixed emotions. It’s nice seeing my family and all but I really miss treatment. It was my home. I wouldn’t be here in this mindset had I not gone. One thing that really hurts me is knowing they go on in the house without me. I mattered when I was there just the same but I also am moved on. Regardless the lingering thought that I’m not enough is still loud.

Readjusting and change is scary. I didn’t expect a lot of these feelings. The thing is, I know I deserve to feel my emotions. I can’t hold them in anymore. I have skills to use. I can reach out. I will be more than okay when this is over with and always remember CFD as the place that changed my life and helped me discover my own self worth.

I’m going to keep doing what I need to do. I can’t expect perfection but I can accept the fact that I’m not perfect. I have so many successes each day and I have to hold on to it.

Residential so far

I’ve had access to my phone and thus this blog for nearly a week now but I haven’t been able to post. There’s so much going through my head. I never imagined I would be here. I didn’t think residential was possible. I was hopeless. I felt recovery would never happen.
CFD is the best thing that’s happened to me. I get teary just thinking about it. The staff, small size, homey feel, and basically all aspects of the programs are amazing. I’m so lucky.
I’m surprised at my own progress. I want to recover for ME. I’ve never come close to that before. I’m working my ass off. I’ve finished 100% of all meals and snacks. I challenge myself consistently. I’m working on the underlying causes of the ED. I’ve used new skills and been assertive. I want to recover desperately.
Significant successes so far: doing well on my first solo pass, getting through the weekend from hell, facing a zillion fear foods, writing my autobiography, putting my all into treatment, moving up a level, starting to change my view of exercise.
My time here hasn’t been without struggles and hardships but I know that I can do this. I am stronger and smarter than I think.