Well you might be wondering what these three things have in common and the answer is creating a terrible body image for me.
Good God I hate mirrors. I didn’t realize how little I missed having having them available until I came home from residential. There were no mirrors at CFD except in the bathrooms you only get to use in morning and night. It’s a blessing I’m telling you!!! No room to compare or obsess or body check. It makes me wish my parents would do a bit of redecorating without them. I’ve begun closing my eyes now and it definitely helps.
Until today, I’d avoided shaving since before I left. I had the opportunity to do so in treatment but didn’t because a) laziness and b) I didn’t want to look at my huge (in EDs mind) legs. Let’s just say it didn’t go so well. I began crying and checking and scrutinizing how much they’ve changed since I’ve eaten more. It sucks getting used to my new body but at the same time I know I needed to gain.
My second challenge today has been finding a dress to wear. I put on a few options and none fit the way the way I hoped. Most were bought during my sickest moments, so this makes sense. Even so, the ED has grown loud. If I’m not as thin that means I’m unacceptable and fat.
The ED is a liar. It’s using these situations to hurt me. I’m going to accept the bad body image but I can’t let it affect my recovery. I’m still going to follow my meal plan, use skills, and challenge behaviors because I deserve it. My body needs to heal.