I drank an Ensure tonight. I wasn’t forced. I didn’t want to. I easily could have avoided it. But I didn’t.
I always equated Ensures and supplementation in general as a punishment or sign of failure before. Truthfully, that’s exactly how Forest View used it. If you needed supplementation, you did something bad to receive it. Because of this, I rebelled and refused to drink them every single time. This has carried over, even up until tonight. I would avoid using supplements when I really needed it. Each time I actually forced myself to drink one it had a “well I won’t do that again” and “I am terrible now” effect. I felt disgusted enough by the Ensure that I would attempt to “do better” for a while.
For obvious reasons, that view of supplementation hasn’t helped me. I never felt I could actually reach for an Ensure without extreme shame and fear. Admitting I had to drink and Ensure to my therapist, friends, dietitian, and support people was almost always tear provoking. Supplementing meant I had somehow failed at recovery. I felt worse about myself if I used one than if I had just restricted.
Tonight was the end of that. I’ve been having a hard time eating the past week or so due to a basically nonexistent appetite. Although I’ve managed pretty well so far, today was just too much. ED thoughts took over and I just knew I wouldn’t be able to give my body all it needs through food. I made my decision to supplement and drank my Ensure.
There’s been a big shift in my thinking tonight. Sometimes I may have to use supplementation, and that is okay. Its another way to get calories in. Sure, its not ideal or anything, but if I can’t handle the food its better to have Ensure than nothing. Choosing to continue nourishing my body is the bravest thing I can do.