I know my number.

I haven’t known my weight since November 10 of last year. I didn’t know it until yesterday. And now my whole world is crashing down again.

That number broke me. I had a set range I was at before in “recovery” so I put that as my limit. Realistically, I wouldn’t be able to be any lower due to the food intake needed, etc so  I felt at least partially okay as long as I stayed. Assuming this number is correct (it was at the doctor’s office, I read it online, and it slightly contradicts what my dietitian has said) its way above what I could ever imagine is possible.

I was already having probably the worst body image I’ve experienced. I cried almost every time I showered, got dressed, felt my body in any way, or looked in a mirror. I would sit and stare and wonder how I ever could get “this bad.” Could recovery be worth the stretch marks, cellulose, and tighter clothes? I hadn’t been able to answer that question and instead fell into the monotony of doing what I needed to and ignoring what I felt.

The past 24 hours have been pretty bad, some of the worst in a long time. I have had pretty minor restriction, lots of tears, guilt/shame, and depressive and self-hatred thoughts. Its hard to focus on anything but how I feel about my body.

I don’t know how long this will go on or how it will affect my recovery. I’m going to try to do better than I have in the past, although that number I now have in my head isn’t making this easy. I can always get back to where I was before. I know how. The question becomes: is it worth giving up all I have found in recovery in order to shrink my body and the number on the scale?

7 thoughts on “I know my number.

  1. This is so difficult, and I always have to challenge myself here. Yesterday, before I knew the number, how did I feel about my body? Now, today, knowing the number, why is it so different? Try to remember how you felt before you ran into the awareness of the number. And hold on to that place for a few minutes here and there. I totally get it. It can feel devastating. Keep going. You’re doing great.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know how hard it is, and I don’t know exactly what to say right now, but please know that you are worth far much more than a ridiculous number on a scale. You have so much more to offer the world, and as the person above said, you felt fine before you knew, so why let a few digits affect that? If you ever need to talk, I’m always willing!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m sorry you’re struggling and I can relate to bad body image lately and the feeling of “letting yourself go” , and I know it’s hard to accept but these feelings will pass and you are stronger than the thoughts. xx

    Liked by 1 person

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