Reasons to recover/what recovery has given me – Fall 2016

I’ve experienced countless positive things this fall in comparison to last. I am battling anorexia, that hasn’t changed, BUT I am in a much better place recovery-wise. Currently I’m falling backwards a bit, so I wanted to make a list of everything recovery has given me. This way, I can have proof that recovery is 100% worth it when the going gets tough. *I will most-likely add to this as time goes on/I think of more*

  • My hair has never been so healthy, full, and shiny. Pretty self-explanatory, but my hair hasn’t been this healthy in many years. It’s a motivation because I really like my hair, it’s one of a handful of what I appreciate my body.
  • Grades. Last year this time, my schoolwork was pushed aside so I could fully focus on my eating disorder. I barely studied for tests, skipped out/forgot to complete homework, missed classes. This obviously had a harsh impact on my grades. Today I sit with 1 A and 2 A- (and I start my fluff gym class next week)!! I realize I can’t put my worth in these letters; however, considering I can compare the 2 classes I’m retaking from last fall, I feel this is something to be proud of. My focus, my natural intelligence and memory, all of it is back. I’m learning and working like I have all throughout my life (minus the parts where the ED/anxiety/depression took over) again. This is exactly what I need as I head into nursing classes next fall. There is no room for the ED if I want to reach my dreams.
  • Warmth. To be honest, I don’t suddenly feel warm all the time even when it’s below 65, etc. I have always been and will always be “cold-blooded.” The thing about anorexia is that it takes you to a level of freezing beyond what any layers or blankets can cure. The eating disorder strips your insulation and storage so 85 degree weather requires a coat and pants. It doesn’t stop with physical cold, but hardens your heart, dampens your spirit, and leaves you in an emotional void.
  • Energy. Outside forces aside (AKA getting ~5 hours of sleep of sleep at night and having migraines), I have buckets of energy, as my biology professor would put it. Who knew all you need to do in order to reverse the fatigue is eat more?
  • Ability to go mote than a week without therapy. Never could I ever have imagined that this coul ne possinle.Not going to lie, but it hard most times. I wish that I could do things differently, although I know in the end this is for the better. My strength is showcased everyday I can get though without therapy.
  • Faith. My walk with God was nearly extinct last fall. I gave everything to my eating disorder, plus it was very low on my priority list. Mt spiritual life is far from perfect, but drastically better than last fall. I trust the Lord more and lean on Him when it’s hard.
  • Not needing to tell those around me about the ED. It was crucial to let my rommate and RA know, so they could know warning signs and somewhat watch over me. I needed someone on my said. I was also in a terrible place which coul lead to trouble quickly. If I wish to share with someone, I certainly will. For now I feel a sense of relief and freedom just knowing others cannot use my struggles to define or judge me.
  • No threats to bump up to higher treatment levels. For the last almost month before residential, I was told again and again that a higher level of care was nes=cessary. Last summer the same thing happened which led to FV round two. I currently am not in any danger of succumbing fully into this trap.It’s amazing being able to love my life and take ownership of my recovery.
  • No more a zombie. I walked around as a dead person. My eyes were sunken in, I had little energy, emotions were not even there, and I was constantly exhausted. I now have none of these symptoms. I am light and filled with life.

And that’s a wrap! What are your reasons to recover? Put them somewhere you’ll see it often. It can be a source of motivation  each day.

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