*I am considering fall September – early December because this is the first trimester/semester of school*

Fall 2013

• Senior year of high school, 1/2 time HS classes and 1/2 college classes at the local community college = stress
• Self harm:
  • doing my best to completely end the addiction after struggling for 6+ years of bruising/hitting and ~1 year of cutting
  • being therapy for the first time because my parents noticed and were angry once they realized I was cutting
  • entered complete recovery on December 3rd and haven’t slipped up majorly since then
• Depression:
  • worse than I’ve ever experienced before
  • lots of isolation, low self-esteem, internalizing feelings despite therapy
• Anxiety:
  • extremely high with balancing high school + college classes
  • occasionally suffered from panic attacks (a new symptom I’d never dealt with before)
  • same constant worries I’ve had since I was born. okay probably not but as long as I can remember so basically
• Therapy:
  • was meh at best
  • went every week and every other sometimes
  • at least I liked her a lot
  • no help at all with the ED
  • literally zero
  • did help some with the rest = good
  • not challenging/hard on me (which I later learned I need)
•  Perfectionism:
  • HOLY COW
  • I cried and flipped out every time I received anything less than a 90% on basically every assignment
  • A&P was difficult to achieve that level of excellence because all of the body parts and just being a difficult “weeder class”
  • therapy did nothing really
  • everything needs to be perfect->constant feelings of imperfection->depression/anxiety/shame/guilt/self-hatred->taking this out on my body through self-harm and then ED behaviors
• Eating disorder:
  • behaviors and thoughts multiplied like CRAZY
  • restricting increasing steadily
  • ran on the treadmill everyday and pushed past my limits each time
  • began hiding food, lying to my parents, and skipping meals/snacks
  • I had lunch on the way back from the career tech center or in class
  • lunch this way meant throwing away ~80 percent of grains/meat, eating fruits and vegetables, eating very slowly
  • lying about how I ate said lunch
  • weight loss to a point of hovering between underweight and at the bottom of “normal” BMI (aka bullshit meaningless information not that I viewed it this way at the time)
  • weighed myself at least 3 times a day (morning, after school, before bed) and of course hid this from my parents
  • kinda pertaining, during a urine sample testing at CTC my ketones were +2 which worried my teacher
• Overall status
  • poopy
  • very entrenched in mental health issues
  • feeling out of control with all of it
  • going down, down, down
• Other:
  • started on my very first psych med, courtesy of my extremely judgy pediatrician
  • turned 18 yay real adult
  • literally no friends in person except acquaintances in class
  • found the most wonderful online friends ever ❤
  • began to prepare for competing in HOSA for medical math

Fall 2014

• “13th year” of early college aka finishing up my associate’s degree as a full-time college student
• Self-harm:
  • donezo 😀
  • celebrated one year free
• Depression:
  • blech, probably around the same
  • a constant thing, usually just connected to anxiety, perfectionism, and anorexia in one lovely ball of fun
• Anxiety:
  • pretty darn high with yet another semester of rather difficult classes
  • again, wrapped in the joy with depression, perfectionism, and anorexia
  • revolved also around losing everyone around me
• Therapy/treatment:
  • new therapist love <333333
  • seriously never imagined therapy being so helpful
  • she actually dealt and specialized in eating disorders
  • came straight out of a month and a half of PHP at Forest View
  • PHP terrified, stabilized, and motivated me
  • I never had felt so connected and understood in my life
  • had a meal plan I somewhat mostly followed
  • saw a dietitian all of once and then gave up with that one
  • was finally challenged in therapy and given homework
  • small amounts of tough love
  • had psych appointments monthly at first, then less frequently
• Perfectionism:
  • again, grades were a main focus
  • needed perfection in my recovery ?
  • felt the need to do everything right because I almost was forced to quit school
• Eating disorder (anorexia):
  • spoke aloud “I struggle with anorexia” for the very first time at FV
  • emotional issues became an even larger trigger for ED behaviors
  • referred to anorexia as Ed and personified it
  • lovingly forced to eat challenge foods
  • parents were food police to the extreme and I HATED it
  • I was forced to eat lunch with my early college dean each day I was at college during that time
  • it was nice to have company, but she was oblivious to me using behaviors and restricting
  • eventually began eating by myself more, always facing the wall and if not I wouldn’t eat a thing
• Overall status:
  • better than the year before, at first anyways
  • still caught up in distorted thought patterns constantly
  • going through the motions
  • a majority of my life was centered around my mental health stuff, mainly the ED
• Other:
  • started this blog!
  • became a youth leader
  • my girls = a motivation to recover; not a strong one in the end but motivation still
  • Lily and Livvy were my long distance support people
  • was on 2 psych meds, courtesy of scary doctor VH from FV
  • simply skated through slightly below the threshold of “you need more treatment” and “you’re doing all right”
  • had support from a woman in church which I needed at the time
  • other than her basically no physical support
  • relationship with my family was pretty bad still
  • grades were much better, especially considering how I was doing overall

Fall 2015

• first year at Calvin
• Self-harm:
  • donezo 😀
  • 2 years clean
• Depression
  • steadily grew worse each day
  • isolation also increased with that
  • psych meds weren’t fully helping
• Anxiety:
  • grades, grades, grades
  • stressing out because I “needed” to get into the nursing program fall 2016
  • I had to act normal and make friends
  • always worrying that I would be alone forever
  • catching up after I was gone from my injury
• Therapy/treatment:
  • spent one week in FV’s inpatient program
  • that ended only one week before school started up
  • IP was a complete bandaid
  • it worked for like a month tops
  • started seeing a new, amazing therapist at school ❤
  • sidenote: I have been blessed with two wonderful therapists since leaving FV
  • saw my first ever dietitian who was pretty good for me
  • once a week therapy and dietitian
  • all the outpatient treatment in the world couldn’t have saved me from myself
  • left school and entered residential treatment at Center for Discovery Del Mar Nov 19th and stayed through Dec 28th
• Perfectionism:
  • perfection with eating, exercise, meal plan (following and then restricting it)
  • very rigid exercise plan
  • I went rock climbing often and had to get the route down perfectly or I failed

• Eating disorder (anorexia):
  • began restricting basically straight out of FV
  • had a meal plan that I at least attempted to follow
  • work-out/weight loss yoga became my go-to exercise
  • and it all came crashing down
  • restricted tons during the week and then was forced to eat whenever I came home for the weekend
  • my parents knew nothing, of course
  • I felt 100% powerless
  • obsessed with losing weight, not knowing the number but hearing which direction it was going by my dietitian
  • measured myself by size of clothes and looking in the mirror
• Overall status:
  • just bad
  • wanted to give up on everything
  • eventually I gave up hope, interest in anything
  • flat emotions and an overall lack of caring
  • my life revolved around my eating disorder
  • most of the fall is pretty hazy because I was in a state of confusion, memory loss, lack of concentration
  • everything completely changed once I entered treatment*
• Other:
  • fractured my orbital socket, broke my nose, and received a concussion while playing capture the flag at dorm retreat
  • this lead to surgery and 3.5 weeks at home
  • I fell behind in my classes
  • grades slipped to the lowest they have ever been: B’s and C’s
  • felt the need to tell my roommate and RA/suitemate about the ED
  • they somewhat became a food/exercise police
  • my RA seriously would knock on my door when she heard a yoga video and make me stop
  • my relationship with my family was better than before, then dropped off some when they found out I hid my struggling
  • residential was the best/hardest choice I have ever made for myself
  • the immense growth and motivation I gained firmly planted me in recovery
• note: minus a few points, these are all my status pre-treatment*

Fall 2016

• 2nd year at Calvin
• Self-harm:
  • donezo 😀
  • 3 (!!!!) years clean this December
• Depression:
  • worse than before for who knows why
  • MAJOR isolation
  • hopeless about ever making friends
  • feeling down for no apparent reason
  • occasional passive suicidal ideation “I don’t deserve to live anymore”, “I wish I wasn’t here”, etc
  • it interferes with everyday life – I am not interested in things, somewhat slower in movement/thoughts, flat,
• Anxiety:
  • stressed in general
  • apathy/procrastination->stress and completing everything last minute
• Therapy/treatment:
  • seeing my school therapist every other week
  • still have psych appointments, probably every month or so
  • dietitian (starting this week with a new one at school, not sure how often that will be)
  • bi-monthly support group held at FV (ohhhh the memories in that lovely room)
  • eating disorder bible study weekly
• Perfectionism:
  • grades are becoming progressively moreso
  • less than a 90 on tests kills me a little
  • I absolutely cannot show my true emotions and struggles at church
• Eating disorder (anorexia):
  • I feel the need to be more disciplined in my eating than I have been in recovery
  • taking smallish steps to achieve that
  • body image suddenly improves when I restrict/eat healthier/exercise
  • goal = lose a few pounds and tone
  • ^probably a bad idea
  • fighting urges more than I have any other fall so far
  • eating 80% of my meals in my room (when I’m not home)
  • more fearful of the dining hall, or maybe just the food there?
  • when I compare my body, it’s by size and not weight (except when my psych doctor decides to tell me my BMI)
• Overall status:
  • faith is improved and I have more hope!
  • general feeling blah about life
  • loss of interest in many of my former passions
  • I am able to focus on school and everything more than I have in years
  • it can be really hard faking happiness when I really want to be honest with others (eg at church)
  • I would say this is better than I have been in years, but by no means have I taken a 180 and suddenly been freed from all of the negative MH stuff in my life
  • on my good days I am generally just content with where I’m at
  • I’m pretty worried about the amount of support I’m getting currently
• Other
  • attending church 2-3x a week and coming home midweek and on weekends – LOVE
  • I’ve gone out soulwinning a few times and it’ amazing to spread the gospel and invite others to church
  • currently working every weekend around 10-15 hrs
  • I tend to put off things and forget or not care anymore
  • my friends/supports are still long distance
  • making a new friend from work though! we have a ton in common and I’m excited about it
  • playing Sims again 😀
  • team no sleep, typically 5 hrs a night on weekdays
  • building up my relationship with my family
  • they are more trusting finally and not the enemy anymore
  • I have a car and with that more independence
  • driving back and forth is actually pretty nice

I definitely didn’t intend for this post to be so long, but I am inspired and surprised but how much change has come over the years. There’s been growth and setbacks, positive moments and pits of darkness, a variety in levels of ED/depression/anxiety, and more. I have gone through a lot and I honestly believe it’s pretty incredible that I am still here and in a (mostly) better space than before. My hope is that Fall 2016 will be the best one yet!