I have never had a dietitian who has worked with me and pushed me more than L (and also N at CFD <3). I’ve met with her only twice so far but I can just tell that this is exactly what I need. I admit, I was extremely skeptical and just assumed it would be terrible and I would have to pay hundreds to see someone else. Thank God I was very wrong about that.

The first moment we sat down was kinda terrifying. I’m not sure what all was going on but I do know how nervous I was. Would she make me go on a huge meal plan? Could I use my CFD meal plan still? Did she believe in the FV mealplan? Was it going to be once a month or something and not even be often enough to help at all? Did she really even know EDs that well?

All of that anxiety and worry was for nothing. We clicked right away. I’ve only had the experience of going into some form of treatment and being so comfortable/optimistic/certain it would help a few times. J, basically everything about CFD, and now L.

When we first met, she confirmed that it would be best to continue the meal plan I had been used to. Insert HUGE sigh of relief by me. How I had been eating wasn’t great. I skipped meals and restricted. The first goal was have 3 meals per day. That was scary but felt attainable at the same time. I didn’t quite make it there that first week. I felt pretty guilty as I headed into her office. She wasn’t pessimistic like I thought. She was happy that I accomplished 3 meals nearly every day. There wasn’t any expectation for me to be perfect from the beginning. This week’s goal is eat 3 meals again and hit slightly more than half of the mealplan I left CFD with. Again, she made this in a way that wasn’t too large a step from where I was but also not stagnate.

The two sessions I’ve had with her go very much like a therapy session. I never thought I needed or wanted this but it is a game changer. She really wants to know my thought processes. It isn’t just “how much did you eat? what did you eat? behaviors?”etc. Last week she instead presented a deeper conversation. L isn’t just concerned about the food. I shared my fears, what has triggered ED thoughts, significant events that happened, my treatment experiences, what helps/doesn’t help me, and anything else relevent to the struggles I am having with food. I can tell how much she values getting to know me and my eating disorder inside and out.

I’ve gotten some good suggestions and challenges so far. A huge surprise was her giving other options for supplementation than Ensure. She wasn’t saying Boost or one of the many other nasty, chemical tasting options used in the ED treatment world. Her goal is to find something I can use if I need that doesn’t taste like liquid punishment. I am a little weirded out by the freedom, actually. I’m not sure what exactly I’ll go with (or whether I’ll switch at all). I do only have 6 Ensure left, so the time to switch can be now. Two challenges came hand-in-hand: doing a comprehensive thought-tracking with my meal plan tracking and writing letters to “Ed.” I was 100% on board with the first part the second she said it. Letters to Ed, on the other hand, was a little flashback to FV (sidenote: she actually worked there as lunch support on Saturdays AND I met her during my inpatient stay!). I sat there not buying into it at first. I convinced myself she was wrong and this was a stupid idea, but decided to give it a try to prove how little it would help. As of now I really enjoy my thought logs and actually think the letters to Ed are helpful too.

Overall, I am very hopeful that this will bring growth and change. L is already becoming a vital support in my recovery. I am thankful that I made the decision to push past fear and see a dietitian again.