Giving Thanks – Nov 6

Today I am thankful for: SAFETY

I take this for granted constantly. I focus on all of the “stuff” that happens, good or bad. There is more to live than just that.

God protects me from all types of harm. A sampling of safety blessings from today: driving back to Calvin safely, protecting me from ED thoughts, allowing my EDS to be mild enough to function, having no war going on, not dying fro my ED or anything else. When written out, the safety and security from God is so very important and prominent in my life.

I need my savior in order to feel protected. Without Him I am alone in this world. No one would be there to catch me when I fall. I trust him to the best of my availability because I know He will do what’s best for me.

When you look at the big picture it’s clear to see the blessings in life. God loves me. He wants me to be here and thrive each day.You aren’t alone or forgotten about either. He will wrap us in His arms and fight our battles as we also do. Remember that, I will too.

Giving Thanks – Nov 5

Today I am thankful for: REST.

This was the laziest Saturday I have had in months. Being free from work and able to just relax is not something I can take for granted. I am always go-go-go. I have class and homework and work and appointments and driving. Most of the time, I feel guilty if I’m not focused on these things. I didn’t worry about any of it today.

God spent 6 days creating everything that now exists. He molded the earth to His specifications. At the end of this came a rest period. God calls us to rest, just as he did. Remembering this to be true is key to my ability to slow down.

Thank you God for giving us a period of recharge. I need it. Sometimes the day calls for a Sims 4 addiction, TV show marathon, bible studying it up, cats on my lap, and staying in pajamas over half the day. All I’ve done is rest, enjoy, play. It has been wonderful.

TFHR 11/01/16

Whelp. Ony half a week late on publishing this. This TFHR is all from last week’s experiences. On the coming Tuesday I should be abe to write about this week.

Thoughts

  • How does a psychiatrist not know what to do and not do with patients who have an eating disorder? It’s pretty dang simple if you really think about it. Don’t tell them weights, mention that they could lose some and be fine, ask if they’re eating too much or healthy enough, etc.
  • I still feel pretty jerky for Weds night choir practice. I was having a hard time learning it and when two girls offered to sing along by the piano I kinda bailed.
  • Our bible study today was on being content and showing gratitude. This project I have is the perfect example of finding blessings in my life.
  • I need to stop being lazy on my homework, but maybe it’s simply because I haven’t been eating enough. Hmm.

Feelings

  • Sentimental. As it creeps closer to my one year admission to CFD, all of these emotions come up. I know I shouldn’t desire to go back. I realize I have to do everything right this time. I’m doing it without any higher form of treatment. The bad part is that I don’t have accountability. There have been many many highs and lows since coming home, but one thing’s for sure: CFD has changed me forever but I would head back in a heartbeat, even if I’m not sick enough to be there.
  • Drained. I am physicality exhausted but the mental exhaustion is getting to me more. I can’t put full effort into anything and I have lost interest in all things. I am not myself when I’m in this funk and I have to rescue myself.
  • Inspired. Each woman in the ED bible study is unique and shares their story that is never alike another. Their courage gives me the push to work hard and keep God in my recovery.

Happenings

  • I bought Ensure. I’ve had a lot of negative emotions surrounding this, but Livvy directed me to this post I wrote. Now I can see that this is a good, pro-recovery choice.
  • I had the worst day/night ever last night. I fell asleep once, woke up around dinner, decided not to eat, slept for another hour, decided not to get up, then slept for two hour periods all night long. I woke up early with super low blood sugar and shaking so bad I thought I could be having something very serious.
  • My favorite coworker came home from college! It was wonderful seeing her at church Sunday. We caught up and laughed and fellowshipped with some other sweet girls.
  • Another amazing week at my ED bible study. The lesson was on discontentment. These women are incredibly strong, open, and encouraging.
  • Worked all days of this weekend. Blech. It’s not that I hate my job or anything. It’s hard to be super enthusiastic when I’m on call or others are being difficult during turns.
  • Sang in the church choir without passing out or dying!

Ramblings

  • I am so freaking ready for this stupid election to be over. I wish it would have been over with months ago. I don’t believe we have good candidates. Social media just makes everything worse. Now, you can share your opinion ASAP and watch as people argue and declare the you are no longer friends. Hearing about all of this at least one hundred times a day is so old. Pleas let it stop after next Tuesday.
  • The professionals in my treatment team truly matter when it comes to my identity. A red flag with my old dietitian was her refusal to work with my goals very well. She discounted my beliefs all of the time. My new dietitian L is the opposite. She hears me and lets us decide my treatment together. I feel heard and respected. If only all dietitians, therapists, and psychiatrists were this way.

Giving Thanks – Nov 4

Today I am thankful for: HOME.

Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday have one thing in common: I get to be at home with my family. As I write I am sitting with Olive on my lap, watching TV, in our comfy recliner, with my mom next to me. This cannot be something I take for granted.

I would say a large majority of my fellow on-campus students won’t even see their families monthly. Many are international or out of state, who spend an entire semester away. Calvin being within an hour’s drive was the main reason I chose it over similar schools farther away. While some love the complete independence that college brings, I much prefer time here than that spent in my dorm.

Home doesn’t just encompass the physical structure of where we live. It is being in the presence of my family, having our four-legged friends within reach, my mom’s cooking, the place I’ve grown up in, warmth, chats with my mom over our favorite shows.

More and more, I’m realizing that this is all part of God’s glorious blessings. He made my family the way we needed to be. My home isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, but it’s perfectly imperfect for me.

 

Giving Thanks – Nov 3

Today I am thankful for: MY DIETITIAN.

I met with my new dietitian, L, for the second time today. It makes the ED part of me want to run, but that’s the point. She is exactly what I need, what the healthy me needs.

There is so much I can and will share about this experience so far. For now, 3 reasons I already feel blessed beyond measure:

  1. Two parter: she came in today specifically for me and had our session go for and hour and 15 minutes. This is only our second session yet she cares enough to give me the time and scheduling I need.
  2. She is beyond willing to work with where I am. She doesn’t expect change overnight and listens to me fully. The goals we have set are what both of us feel comfortable with. Also, I still get to use my CFD meal plan which is comforting and familiar.
  3. She will push and give new ideas. A good chunk of our meeting today was spent with her asking me the hard questions and digging deeper into why I have been doing poorly. A goal for this week is a technique I haven’t used in almost two years, but I feel like this is a good chance for a second go around.

God put L in my life right now for a reason. I cried out for help and He answered. She is a part of my recovery now and I am already grateful for it.

Giving Thanks – Nov 2

Today I am thankful for: MY MOM.

This morning I called her to ask what to do about having therapy tomorrow. I went home today and I was wondering whether driving home at night or 7am the next morning was better. Moms always have the answers about things like that. I got her take on it, then we chatted a bit. Next came a question for my end: “Are you really doing okay? I saw that you bought Ensure.” I have to admit, I was terrified. My fear is always hurting her. I do hide things at times because I want to avoid just that.

I am thankful for my mom because she is forever there for me. This morning wasn’t an exception. I explained why I felt the need to get supplements and she listened. She was proud of me for doing so and told me that it’s okay to use them. How could someone feel proud when I still had so much guilt? By being my mom, that’s how.

Her support continued as I came home. We ordered pizza, which was much harder for me than I expected or wanted it to be. She was patient, encouraging, and only wanted the best for me. It felt like food police in a way but I know that her intentions are from the incredible love she has for me.

My mom and I have been through so much. I brought her through the hell of mental illness, self harm, an eating disorder. We have fought and had problems and our relationship has been strained, but no matter what she never lessened her love for me. I would not be here without her. God provided me with the exact woman I need to lead me through life. She loves ferociously, cares deeply, fights for me, doesn’t put up with anything that isn’t good for me, has been my rock, and keeps my life together when it feels like I’m falling apart.

Thank you, Mom, for all that you are. I love you. I am blessed by you.You are worth far more than rubies (Prov 31:10).

Giving Thanks – Nov 1

I am so focused on all that happens in my life, good and bad, that I never sit down to realize what blessings I already have. Even in the darkest of night and the deepest valleys, the Lord has provided for me again and again. I take for granted what I have and long for what I do not. If I only step back and open my eyes His gifts will be known abundantly. November is the month of Thanksgiving and gratitude.  Each day this month I will share something I am grateful for. “Come, Let us sing for joy to the Lord; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation. Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song.” – Psalm 95:1-2

Today I am thankful for: GRACE

“Grace that is greater than all our sin

How AMAZING is that? God extends us grace for every sin we have made and will make for our entire lives. There is nothing too big for Him to forgive. We fail Him time and time and time again, but are always welcomed back into His loving arms.

I felt absolutely terrible waking up this morning. It was proof that I had screwed up once again. Eating breakfast would be the first meal in almost 18 hours and I wondered how I could work myself back to a recovery mindset. Before even eating said breakfast, I had already worked out countless ways I should/would/could have done instead of ending up where I was. I sat, trying to right yesterday’s wrongs and not re-wrong today’s rights. I began feeling guilty, disappointed, down, anxious, and hopeless. My hope for the day only existed with prerequisites: do everything right and maybe you’ll be okay.

My eating disorder works like this in many ways. If I am recovery-minded, I will not accept any actions that come from anorexia. Just the opposite is true if I am in my disorder. Either way, I am never okay with what I am doing. I feel like a giant failure. I cannot forgive myself, but instead I  am so hard on myself. I put things into black and white and never offer myself grace. What would happen if I did?

Grace would say: you had a bad day but you are free, forgiven, and today is a new day. Wow. This isn’t something I can truly comprehend. How could everything be wiped clean, just like that?

God give us this grace every day, every minute, every second into eternity. I am so very thankful that He has promised us this by the sacrifice of the Son. He calls us to extend that same grace to ourselves and each other. We are forgivable. We can be free. We deserve a second chance. 

I forget or choose not to show myself even a portion of grace that God gives me. Today, I will believe that I am not a lost cause. I will not beat myself up and play the “should/could/would” game. I will accept my imperfection in recovery. Today, grace will win because it wasn’t mine to take away in the first place.