It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these. I would have to do multiple posts to explain some of this, so here’s a summary of the past few weeks.

Thoughts

• Questions, questions, and more questions. What if it turns out I am very sick? How will I manage break? Will I need to do treatment of some sort again? Is my new therapist going to help at all? Will I go all break without an appointments? Will I just fail my exams? Am I going to get into nursing? Do I want to be healthy?
• Can I be on break but not live at home for a grueling 3 weeks? Pretty please? I love my mom and family, but with the ED it’s so hard to live with them. In theory, life at home is better for recovery. Bleh.
• Focus on weight, body size, stretch marks/cellulite, on and on. I won’t go into specifics as it wouldn’t benefit anyone, but I will say how consuming this is. I have a goal weight and also for my body size. All I want is to achieve this. It’s making eating 100x harder right now.
• How is it the end of November already??

Feelings

• Worry. There aren’t many times when I’m not worrying or anxious, but now it’s escalated. There are so many uncertainties in the future that are plain scary. I’m hoping they won’t turn out as bad as I fear.
• Love for L. If you don’t get this vibe already, L is my favorite dietitian ever and also the best part of my treatment team. She challenges me, fights Ed like hell, is completely flexible schedule wise, and works with me v. just telling me what I should do.
• Disgust. There are 2 reasons I currently am disgusted with myself, both relating to the ED. For one, I absolutely cannot stand my body. I feel like this is valid considering my size, cellulite, and stretch marks; however, it probably has more to do with body dysmorphia. On the opposite side, I am disgusted by how many lies and behaviors I am using. I haven’t hid food or lied about what I ate in months. Now it’s an everyday occurrence. Naturally this has brought on self-hatred which is a great mix.
• Relieved. Yesterday was supposed to be completely full from 8am-3pm. My psych appt was canceled luckily so now that frees up a good hour and a half. I also most likely don’t have group (they haven’t even called back :/) so that means nothing after my DEXA scan at 2. It’s going to be nap central after my 5:45 wake up this morning.
• Heartbroken. Right now I’m trying to accept and deal with it in the best way I can. I’ll share my thoughts here at some point.

Happenings

• Thanksgiving. Ugh it was bad, but thank God it’s over. Now I have a month to prepare and stress for Christmas. Ah, the holidays are fun when you have an eating disorder.
• Last bible study. I’m so sad this is now over 😦 I have loved every moment of it: finding faith in my recovery, fellowship, hearing from amazing women, and more. I’m thankful I chose to participate in the class. We plan on getting together a few times before the second half of the class begins in February.
• Medical tests. Dr. C deals with eating disorders in HS. L had me go to her because I haven’t had any sort of medical check-up since early this year. You never know what physical problems can arise from EDs. Last week I got 6ish vials of blood drawn. This morning I had an echocardiogram and I will get my DEXA (bone density) scan this afternoon. I then see her tomorrow to find out results. I’m nervous that something could be wrong, but I’m trying to just make it through.
• Adulted by going to group! I took initiative while waiting for my DEXA scan and called the eating disorder place where my new therapist is. I’m honestly really surprised I ended up attending at all. The Ed thoughts were loud and almost overpowered my decision. Yesterday I went to group from 4-5:30. My worries were endless: would it help? will I be the largest girl? is it triggering? will I even like my new therapist who leads it? Group went way better than I expected. We talked about values, eating disorder v. ours. In my pie chart of which take up my time I had less than one third healthy thoughts. That hit me. I know that the ED is overwhelming, but it has basically taken over my whole life. I don’t have room for the things I value most: compassion, hard work ethic, helping others, faith, etc. My hopeful future chart swapped out the size of each category. I know that healing won’t happen overnight. It’s hard work to get out of this mindset. Instead of huge unrealistic goals, we made attainable ones. Mine is to blog more since it’s both self-care and something I enjoy. This means hopefully you’ll see a post every day 🙂

Ramblings

• The end of fall semester is just over 2 weeks away. What?!?! It has gone by so freaking slowly but fast at the same time. I think part of it feeling so weird is that I haven’t dropped/don’t plan to. I’m really thankful I have avoided treatment so I can get my credits. The stress and setbacks are worth it, at least I hope.
• I love/hate how much L kicks me in the butt. I can get so mad at her! Well, I suppose mainly the Ed side but still.. I realize all the challenges and tough love have helped me work harder. I really wish it wasn’t so hard but that’s kinda the point.
• I absolutely need to “keep my eyes on the prize.” My future has to keep being important to me so I don’t become hopeless. I want so much better than this for myself. I hope to become a nurse, wife, and mothers. I need to help others, support mental health/eating disorders in some way. My dreams should matter.