Two months ago, I only had therapy every other week.

Just over one month ago, I saw a dietitian weekly and therapy biweekly.

One month ago, I added a doctor to the mix. Around that same time, I switched therapists and began attending one group per week.

Two weeks ago, I attended a couple more groups.

Last week, I had activity therapy, R’s group with snack, art therapy, nutrition and yoga, and another therapy group with R over Monday and Tuesday.

This week, I was placed on medical leave, attended my first two days of IOP, and had to switch dietitians without any prior knowledge or choice.

It has been an absolute whirlwind. I remember thinking at so many points that I didn’t need this next step, I wasn’t sick enough. I argued, deflected, begged, hid the truth, ignored, and did everything to fight hard against any extra treatment.

I can’t fight this anymore. In fact, if I do fight it will end with me being forced to leave school and in residential or inpatient. This is serious. If I continue to follow my eating disorder it’s going to do a lot more than send me to a higher level of care.

Where I’m at now is a crossroad. I know what will happen if I continue with the eating disorder. It’s safe and familiar and easier. I’ll have the control I crave, watch my body shrink down to an “acceptable” size, and be able to cope with everything in a my life (albeit in a rather unhealthy way). On the other hand, recovery is the unknown. I’ve had some glimpses, but going full in is scary. It could mean a full life where I can become the best me: a nurse, wife, friend, mother, and person, all without Ed. The question now is this: do I stay in the familiarity of my eating disorder and fight all forms of treatment or trust in recovery by fighting my eating disorder? I think I need to at least try option #2, because I can always go back to the ED (as I have now) while recovery will only become less attainable as time goes on.