A “fun” dietitian appt

Oh man was I fun for L to deal with on Thursday. I am stubborn, resistant to change, doubtful, and and in denial when it comes to nutrition and my meal plan. I would say that my largest pitfall is believing every word she says is a lie.

I was pretty grumpy going into our session which didn’t help the situation. Most of it was the same things I’ve heard again on repeat for months: you need to eat more of fats/carbs/protein, eat enough if you want to exercise, keep completing your food log, follow your meal plan.

I look in the mirror and judge the excess food I’m consuming. All I can think about is the fat and weight I must be gaining. I voiced my concerns and how I’m convinced my treatment team is trying to make me fat. She attempted to reassure me by sharing I haven’t gained anything since starting out there. I so don’t buy that. It just doesn’t make sense with the amount of food I have been eating, etc.

L fought Ed with logic, which is the only way to actually convince me of anything. When I claimed she was trying to make me fat, her response was pretty shocking: “if my goal was to make all of my clients continue to gain weight forever I would be out of a job.” I haven’t heard that before. Usually it’s questioning why they would want to make me fat, which can be answered and explained in a disordered way. This has proof. She’s right, there is no way anyone would stick with her if they ballooned out forever on their meal plan. This was the one point in our conversation where I was able to combat the ED.

How do you feel about my meal plan? 8 words that I could have refrained from saying. I hate her answer. L doesn’t believe that my meal plan is enough. It’s currently ~2/3 of what I came out of CFD with, exchange wise. Her exact words were “You are on the lowest amount that I am ever okay with.” Obviously, she needs to increase it, probably to what it was before restriction happened. The problem is that I’m not meeting my meal plan as it is. I’m coming off pretty serious restriction for the last few months, but apparently not fast enough. She is not allowing me to do next semester unless I am able to increase my meal plan back to an acceptable amount. To be honest, that really pissed me off. I don’t think she has a right to keep me from my future when my physical health is fine and I’m going in a better direction in general. Deep down I know that this isn’t a normal or healthy amount I’ve been eating. More than anything, I’m terrified I won’t be able to do this.

L has her work cut out for her. I can talk back and give some nasty “Ed” looks while fighting every word she says, which she has already seen many times. The healthy part of me hates that I’m ignoring and defying the help that she is offering. I really do need to work towards building trust with her and my entire treatment team. Until then, we’ll be stuck with the wrath of my ED shining through. Sorry, L.


2016 -> 2017

11 whole days into 2017 before I finally was able to finish this post. I blame perfectionism and huge lack of motivation, but now I have the itch to blog again 🙂

2016 was a time of… change (so, so, so much change), joy, growth, isolation, discovery, friendship, grief, loss, struggle, faithfulness. I kept on living through it all.

The good

  • doing very well in my spring semester
  • attending my new church and growing close to everyone there
  • Ludington – the healthiest year in a very long time
  • a summer where I was eating well with tons of energy
  • work to keep me busy
  • finishing my Fall semester despite how much Ed tried to take it away
  • learning a ton about myself
  • practicing assertiveness to put my needs first
  • experiencing many days where the eating disorder was barely there at all
  • hugs, prayers, good conversations, and lots of love
  • slowly beginning to accept the changes in my life

What I hope to leave behind

  • Toxic relationships. There are many situations to which this applies, not only the people I must separate myself from. These are people I was close to, but it was not healthy for me at all. Carrying their burdens and triggering conversations hurt my recovery and added anxiety. I know that was a two-way street. I hope they also realize why this needed to happen. Deleting and blocking negative influences online has been just as difficult. I follow numerous accounts who are “recovering” or pro-ana, etc. The sickness in me looks at them as comparisons and inspiration. I get invested in their lives. This exists on multiple platforms: instagram, Facebook, blogs, Youtube. I am combing through them little by little. I feel connected to these people and the triggering information. Ed doesn’t want me to give them up, which is exactly why I need to. I have to detach from these negative influences in my life before they bring me down further.
  • Isolation. I can count on one hand the number of times I did anything with anyone last semester. Outside of class, appointments, or leaving campus, I rarely left my room. I would stay there from midafternoon on, adventuring out only to get ice or make a smoothie. It is a sad existence to be alone all of the time. I’m hoping to make small strides towards new friendships and experiences.
  • “Just scraping by.” Well, here’s something that applies to many (and most, as of late) areas of my life. I put just enough effort into my classes this year to get the grades I absolutely needed. I’m honestly surprised I didn’t screw that up more. I barely fought Ed enough to finish out the semester/year without being in residential or IP. This fall at work proved I am not myself on restriction
  • My focus revolving around the ED. I would say around 90% or more of my thoughts this last year (mainly the end of it) were on food, weight, calories, exercise, my body shape and size, weight, restriction, looking up all sorts of ED things on the web (tips, health complications, weight loss calculators, etc). I’ve been in a place where Ed consumes almost every waking moment. This left no room for anything else, good or bad. If I want to accomplish any of my dreams or simply live a better life this needs to change.

Hopes for the new year

  • Really get something out of IOP, even if (but hopefully not) that means a referral to a higher form of treatment
  • Grow closer to my mom again by letting her in
  • Start nursing classes in the fall while being in a healthy place to do so
  • Find meaningful friendships at Calvin
  • Self-discovery. Who am I really without my eating disorder? Who do I want to become?
  • Have activities that bring me joy: photography, reading, exploring, spending time in nature, going to the movies, trying new things,  and of course blogging 🙂
  • Turn to positive ways of coping when I need them
  • Making this year different in a good way
  • Prove to myself that I am resilient, strong, worthy, lovable, and capable of pursuing recovery fully

I really enjoyed making this list as an inspiration for myself. A new year is always a time to start over and make changes. I don’t want to call these resolutions, but they are certainly what I hope to work towards.

I wish everyone a happy new year and pray that you also can find positive change in 2017! 

Dear Ed 12/29/16

Dear Ed,

You have been my best friend and worst enemy for a very long time now. These last few months I’ve believe you to be my friend. After all, I am losing this weight that needs to go. My body is smaller and more toned. I also have this high that is so addictive… restriction and exercise. There isn’t much like it. That part has been wonderful. It’s so good that I’ve been able to ignore the negatives you’ve caused.

While you have masqueraded as my best friend, the effects on my life and the lives of others around me have been great. I was able to ignore them for a very long time, but I can’t anymore.

I told myself that my slipping grades weren’t that bad. I told myself that I was invincible and could never end up with health problems from restriction. I told myself none of this could hurt my future. I told myself skinny meant the world to me. I told myself this was the only way to gain control over my life. I told myself this was my ticket to better self-worth. I told myself this was all coming from me when it’s really you.

Now I sit here in IOP, just as I will 3 days a week for the next month or so. I side with you that I shouldn’t be here, but my treatment team says otherwise. I have to sit for the whole interim period when I should be enjoying fluorescence. I will eat, sleep, go to treatment, eat a shit ton more, and exist while doing nothing productive at all. The worst part is that I’m actually on medical leave, meaning I couldn’t get out of this if I tried. Even today, Rebecca warned me that at this point I may not be able to do next semester unless I get some motivation to work hard against you.

I’m angry it has come to this. I hate needing treatment and wasting all of this money. You are to blame. I can’t take all of that out on you even though you’ve acted as such a terrible friend, though.

I absolutely cannot miss out on next semester. I don’t have any more time before nursing school (if I even get in…). These classes are all required for graduation. I also have to get decent grades at the very least. If I can’t, I may as well give up all hope for the future. Most of me realizes I can’t continue exactly as I have been. This amount of restriction is a little too much to be able to achieve the grades I need: A’s and B’s at least. At the same time, I’m not sure if recovery is good either. I cannot be fat again like before. My weight and eating are the only things I do have control over.

With full restriction and full recovery both out, I desire to find a happy medium. You are 110% certain it can happen. I would stay at a preferred healthy weight where my medical status, comprehension, emotions, and living status are all just fine. I want to believe you, because who knows if R, L, and Dr C. are actually right (along with family and friends)? I don’t want to trust them without trying a plan I am more comfortable with.

I pray things will work out. I don’t want these things you tell me to turn out as lies, but maybe they are too good to be true… I will put my trust in you, or at least try. I need you to be my best friend I can lean on this semester while still doing well in my classes. If not, I will be done with you and work towards a future that you will not have a part in. Please just show your true colors because this is so very confusing.


*taken exactly from my journal activity we did in IOP